Should You Tell Your Partner If You Cheated?
I don’t know why, but I get emailed 2 questions a lot on this site. The first one is if I feel guilt cheating on my spouse. The second one usually says:
‘would you tell your partner you cheated?’
It’s something that people always want reassurance with or want to know my opinion about. So let’s get to it and let me give you my answer now. If you happen to be in a rush and don’t have time to read this entire post, let me just save you some time and be helpful.
Should you tell your partner if you cheated; fuck no, no way, no way Jose, never, nada, etc, etc, etc.
Never ever tell your partner. Don’t ever tell your partner you cheated (even if you feel terrible)! The risk is too great. I mean what’s the point in telling your partner? If they don’t know, it’s almost like it never happened. In the instance you intend to confess, then read this article because I could save you a whole heap of trouble.
“Now Go Home And Get Your Fucking Shine Box”
I’ve been there. Only once but I’ve been there. I broke up very badly with an affair partner who I cheated with. I never felt guilty – but it was a bad breakup. And I don’t know how it happened, but somehow the stupidest thought crossed my mind. I felt like telling my wife all about it. For a flash second I believed that telling her would help me get over my affair partner.
Stupid I know. I remember running it past a friend in jest and his response was for me to go home and get my shine box.
What Happens When You Tell Your Partner You’ve Cheated
Let’s assume for a second that you’ve cheated and gotten away with it. Let’s assume the girl you cheated with isn’t pregnant or blackmailing you, but for some reason you still feel guilty. It’s consumed you. You know it’s wrong and you want to come clean.
So what happens next. You sit your partner down and tell her you made a mistake, you tell her it’ll never happen again, you promise it was a mistake, you say it was a one time thing, blah blah blah…. You know, usual cliche lines you’ve seen in every movie that involves cheating.
She flips the fuck out, shouts, cries and needs space. You’ve gone from looking for absolution to having caused a substantial amount of pain….. You get yourself into a 50/50 position where she either forgives you or ends it.
But whichever way it’ll go – she’ll never forget it.
Why You Should NEVER Tell Your Partner You Cheated
Now maybe I’m so fucked and beyond guilt that I’m a narcissist. I get a fair bit of hate mail on this site about my infidelity, and that’s ok – I probably deserve it. But here’s why I like to keep things secret and would never ever tell my partner that I’ve cheated on her:
She’ll Never Forgive Me
My partner will 100% never forgive me. Knowing her the way I do, the anger would take over She would hire a lawyer, kick me out the house, keep my kids and wish me good luck. There’s no amount of begging, crying, excuses that would keep me in the house.
She’ll Never Trust Me Again
Even if my some miracle, I managed to stay in the house, every single time I go out with friends, there’s no way she’ll 100% believe that I was where I said I would be. At the back of her mind she’s always going to think that I’m out having another affair. She’ll find herself checking my phone, smelling my clothes, plain old looking for evidence to prove that a leopard never changes its spots.
She’ll Blame Herself
When the dust settles, there’s going to be some part of her that starts to blame herself. She’ll question everything about herself, from her looks, to her weight, to how she treated me. And whilst my cheating has nothing to do with her, it’s only going to be a natural reaction.
She Will Develop Trust Issues
Even if she kicks me out the house, keeps the kids, gets all my money and moves on – she’s going to start generalising. She’s going to develop trust issues and will start doubting all men. Any future men that come into her life, she’s always going to think that all men can’t be trusted. She’s going to believe that all men cheat, and it’s going to take a miracle and the right guy to assure her that that’s not true. But she’ll always in the back of her mind never ever fully trust a man again.
Toughen The Fuck Up
Let’s say you had a one night stand, a one time indiscretion – it’s natural that you’ll want to come clean, it really is. I get it. We’ve all been there. However, by confessing, any future true intimacy will be over with your partner. Relationship experts will tell you that one night stands can be gotten over, but having a full time relationship with an affair partner is most certainly something that’s impossible to forgive. The continued betrayal of a long term relationship with another women is harder to get over. The emotional toll of having an affair is so much worse than having a one night stand or a fling.
Your current relationship will come to an end in a heartbeat. It may make you feel better but you will completely destroy your partner. Any intimate relationship with your current partner will come crashing down and become non existent. And of course you could try a sex therapist, you could try couples therapy, you could bleat on about how honest you are generally and how you feel bad – but do you really think it’ll help?
No it won’t. Your current relationship will come crashing down faster than you can say boo. A foolish part of you may believe that by coming clean you are doing the honourable thing. That by no longer lying and telling the truth, you somehow think your instance of cheating will be forgiven. It won’t be. I promise you that. The feelings that your partner will develop towards you will change in a heartbeat. They will punish you in the process whilst they try and deal with this new reality.
Reasons People Cheat
There’s a whole host of reasons why people cheat and have a relationship outside of their marriage. People assume that cheating is about sex. But that’s not true. People cheat for many different reasons.
It can be boredom, lack of sex, lack of attention, adventure, a drunken mistake, the stress of a family etc..
It’s easy to justify why you cheated to yourself, but despite being the owner of this blog – let’s not get it twisted, cheating is wrong. I absolutely believe this. Some people think it’s a sign that you would out of your existing relationship, the that’s not the case. People like me want to have my cake and eat it. I know I’m not in an open relationship so I need to go above and beyond to hide my affairs from my wife. My relationship isn’t that honest.
Cheating in my world won’t be tolerated. An affair will be met with legal papers. My wife expects honesty and a confession to her wouldn’t be seen as the truth coming through, it will be met with brut force.
Now I know not every spouse is like mine. But from past experience, I can tell you that infidelity in a lot of relationships just won’t be accepted.
Why I Cheat
I cheat because I like attention. There’s a high that comes from an affair that makes my infidelity exciting. I like risk by nature and the secrecy and the sneaking around adds to the excitement. I’m not necessarily saying what I do is a good thing. I always say this and say I’m broken. There’s clearly a void inside of me that needs filling and perhaps cheating is a form of filling that void.
My cheating isn’t about having multiple sexual adventures. No. It’s about having someone to talk to, someone to listen to. Finding good affair partners is rare but when you do, it’s like being on cloud nine.
My Advice
So here’s the deal. If you are the cheating sort, learn to keep your mouth shut. Never tell a soul. Never tell your friends, don’t tell your priest, don’t tell your work colleagues and most definitely don’t tell your spouse that you cheated. Keep that shit secret and take it to your grave (or of course see a therapist).
Die with the lie. Don’t see it as a burden, just see it as something that happened and deal with it. And don’t let it affect your behaviour. Partners are very intuitive and will notice if something is off with you.
A spouse or partner will tolerate a lot, but cheating just isn’t one of them. The honesty thing may make you feel better but it will leave a trail of destruction in its wake.
It’s not just bad people who cheat, many of us do, but the best policy is secrecy. There are plenty of good reasons to confess to infidelity but the sad truth is the crime has already been committed. If confession was such a strong tool, our jails would be empty.
Conclusion
In the instance you are deciding to grow a conscious and decide to disclose to your partner that you cheated, admit it all and confess about a secret relationship; stop, slap yourself in the face and go home and get your fucking shine box.
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