If You Could Get Away With Cheating Would You?
Let’s for a moment assume that you had that pen that Will Smith so amazingly demonstrated in Men In Black – you know the pen that flashes out green light and makes you have amnesia.
Now, for the sake of this post, let’s say you have that pen, and it only works on your significant other to erase any memory of you cheating…..
You’ve now got in possession with you, something better than a Hall Pass. What will you do with your new found power?
Would you cheat? Would you ask out the girl at the office you’ve been starring at for years? Would you go out on a boy’s night and let loose? Would you grab your phone and download the latest dating app in an attempt to find that girl?
It’s insane to me to think that there’s all these people out there cheating, they effectively get away with it, but somehow let their guilt consume them – which effectively leads to them making a confession. See below, our advanced mathematical formula of what I’m trying to say:
GUILT = CONFESSSION
I know a guy just like this. John was a corporate executive. You know the type, wore nothing but polo shirts, made like $300k a year, had a nice car, a lovely family, membership down at the countryclub, friends with influence, etc, etc… From the outset, John’s life was perfect.
He graced us once a month for our Poker Game. We called it the Executive Game (sorry Uncle Junior) – and it was set in stone. Even if one of the players was busy or away for work, they’d always fly back for this game.
Despite the name, the stakes were small, but it was our chance to shoot the shit, to drink, to smoke up, to talk about men stuff! Which mostly involved moaning about politicians and the state of the planet! But nonethelesss, we thought it was men’s work!
Anyway, at out last game, John looked glum. It was clear something was wrong. He wasn’t himself. He wasn’t bragging about who he knew, or the latest Mercedes he wanted to buy – he was quiet. John being quiet meant something was wrong, hang on, I have another formula below to explain my hypothesis:
QUIET JOHN = WE HAD PROBLEMS
We kept teasing him, wondering if he didn’t get his promotion at work, or if he had just lost his latest round of golf. But before we could really up the harrasssment, he just blurted out:
‘I’m getting a divorce!’
That was it. Complete silence hit the room, punctuated by the cigar smoke rising from the ashtrays and the sound of poker chips being shuffled nervously. None of us knew what to say.
I finally found my tongue and sheepishly asked ‘what happened?’
He went on to explain that he and his assistant had been having a torrid affair for a few months and that he was deeply in love with her. She’d been travelling with him from city to city and at some point it happened.
It kept happening.
However, the assistant knew he was married and also realised that for her it was also a win. She’d get all the fun out of the relationship without any of the headaches and complications. He pointed out that there was a clear win for both (at least when it started).
But John, being as John is, started to fall for his assistant. He started to profess his love for her, fantasising about running away with her. Instead of being flattered and excited at that prospect, she shit the bed.
She left him, she left her job and refused to return any of his calls!
He was sat there, a broken man! Breakups are hard at the best of times, but to go through one whilst you were married was even harder.
As he sat there telling his story, each of use was glued. This wasn’t the typical chat we’d find at the Executive Game. It was way deeper. John continued bearing his soul until Jason spoke up. Jason was (and I suppose still is) African American. He was the coolest guy in the group, just like so cool, but he was also no nonsense. He was the guy that would tell us to get to the point! And today was no different.
He interrupted John and asked ‘so how did your wife catch you?’
‘She didn’t’ replied John.
Jason looked even more irritated, rushing to know the end. BTW Jason was also the guy who’d watch the last episode of any new show on Netflix before starting it from the beginning.
Jason started laughing ‘Bros, I’m so confused! Why are you getting a divorce?’
And this is when it really hit me. Because what he said next taught me and everyone so much about guilt.
John foolishly said ‘My wife didn’t catch me. I was so upset about my breakup that I told my wife all about the affair thinking it would make me feel better to come clean. And she just instantly asked for a divorce ………… and half of everything!’
The room erupted. We were all shouting at John at the same time, you could hear words like pussy, dickhead, idiot being thrown in his direction.
He just sat there, taking it all in! Finally, once the commotion had calmed down – I composed my myself.
‘John, why on earth, when you’ve gotten away with it, would you be stupid enough to confess.’
John was articulate. He did presentations for a living, and with those skills, he went on to calmly explain to us that the guilt was consuming him. Even whilst he was having the affair and getting carried away with it all – he just kept feeling like shit. That coupled with the fact that the breakup was tearing him apart, and it was clear both at work and at home that something was clearly wrong – he argued that he had no other option but to confess!
Now whilst it was clear that none of us really agreed with him, we also all acknowledged that he was a smart guy and made whatever decision he needed to make at the time.
But of course, that story stuck with me for months! John was smooth enough to have an affair, but not smart enough to manage his emotions.
Of course, whilst I was listening to his story, I too was having an affair at the same time. I couldn’t help be contemplative. The trouble is I never felt guilty.
I’m not sure if I was capable of guilt though. I’d been having affairs for so long, I still question myself. What time of disgusting person am I, that I can cheat so easily without even an ounce of guilt. Not even 1%. Am I soulesss? I’d love to tell you that I’m now so cool that it doesn’t bother me, but the truth is sometimes I think I’m broken inside.
That said, I couldn’t get my head around the fact that Johnny had confessed. And of course, therein lies the moral of his story. If guilt is going to consume you, if you are a really good person – then I hate to break it to you, cheating isn’t for you!
Later on that night, we carried on with our game. The mood was different, and all of us found ourselves not agreeing with John’s choices but we all felt sorry for him. I found myself folding trip Aces just so he would win. And he did. That night, we all unconsciously lost to John and he walked out feeling like a winner.
Until, Jason shouted from the back of the room:
‘Don’t forget to give your wife half’
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