Understanding Why People Stray
Around 45% of people in long-term relationships admit to cheating at least once. Men are more likely to cheat than women, although this trend is evening out. Despite the prevalence of infidelity, an affair doesn’t have to mean the end of a marriage. In fact, as many as a quarter of marriages survive an affair once infidelity has been brought out into the open.
Understanding Why People Stray
It’s easy to let emotions get in the way when thinking about the subject of cheating. Betrayed partners have to deal with anger, which quickly gives way to insecurity and suspicion. However, most people don’t cheat to slight their partner to indulge their own appetites. Rather, a complicated nest of causes is to blame.
Below, we’ll explore the different types of cheating, the psychology behind infidelity, and what you can do to ensure your marriage is safeguarded against one or both of you straying.
Defining Cheating and Infidelity
Cheating and infidelity are often talked about in the same breath. However, the definitions are different, depending on the type of infidelity that takes place. Most people agree that cheating involves one partner pursuing sexual encounters or romantic attachments outside of their main relationship. However, not all forms of cheating need to involve physical intimacy. Ultimately, the common thread is that one partner has betrayed the other.
For most people, physical cheating is the main concern. It almost always involves a sexual act but can be as simple as one partner kissing another person. Physical infidelity is often opportunistic. In other words, it just happens, rather than being the result of a premeditated effort.
Many wronged partners find opportunistic cheating easier to forgive. If alcohol or drugs were involved in clouding someone’s judgment, there’s generally less of a concern that someone will repeat the behavior. However, even if the cheating partner admits to their indiscretion and forgiveness is given, the betrayed partner may quietly seek revenge.
Other people actively pursue sexual relationships with people who aren’t their spouses. This used to involve the guilty party heading out for a night on the town and pursuing other people. Nowadays, it’s easier than ever for someone to stray thanks to the advent of cheating apps and hookup sites.
Sometimes, the reasons for physical intimacy are complex. Some people may find it difficult to refuse the sexual advances of someone else. It’s less about them being dissatisfied with their marriage, and more to do with deep-rooted self-esteem issues. If you’re worried about how someone will respond if you turn them down, you may find yourself giving into temptation, just to keep everyone happy.
Emotional affairs, sometimes referred to as emotional infidelity, are completely different. While these scenarios can result in physical intimacy, these entanglements are based on emotional connections. They usually begin at workplaces or within social groups. While some people think this is the lesser of two evils and doesn’t come close to sexual infidelity, the wronged partner might not always agree. If you’re telling someone who’s not your spouse private details or leaning heavily on them for emotional support, your other half may feel more betrayed than if you’d jumped into bed with somebody else. Some emotional affairs remain exactly that. Others evolve into physical relationships. Both can be devastating to a marriage if the wrong partner finds out.
Online infidelity is a growing concern. Cyber cheating has been around since the early days of the internet when online chat rooms gave people an outlet for pursuing extramarital affairs. Cyber cheating takes many forms. It can be innocent as testing the waters to see what’s available or sharing intimate photos with a stranger. It can eventually lead to meetings in real life when cyber infidelity evolves into a more conventional affair. Dating apps are rife with married users or people in long-term relationships. According to some research, as many as 17% of dating app users are there to cheat on their other halves.
The Psychology of Cheating
If you’ve been driven to cheat, you might feel that the reasons for your behavior are unique to you. However, most people cheat for one of the same few reasons. Being able to identify these root causes will help you stop cheating, or at least be able to reflect on your situation.
Unfulfillment at home is one of the biggest contributors to cheating behavior. You may feel that your needs are unmet in the bedroom. If you’re not getting what you need at home, there’s a good chance you’ll at least consider pursuing other options elsewhere. However, a lack of emotional connection can also result in someone pursuing an affair. You might not be actively looking for one, but a romantic friendship can quickly develop with an attentive co-worker who listens to your problems.
Personality Traits
Many cheaters share at least one personality trait. Narcissism is one of the most common. People with narcissistic personality disorders are either unwilling or unable to think about the feelings of others. This leads them to put their own interests and desires first. In most cases, this leads to people behaving selfishly and impulsively. However, it can also encourage someone to act on their desire to cheat, without thinking about how it’ll affect their other half and family.
Sociopaths are similar to narcissists, but these two terms aren’t interchangeable. Sociopaths exhibit many of the same traits as narcissists, but they’re far more complex. As a rule, they’re accomplished liars. Furthermore, the more lies they tell, the more likely it is that they start believing their own stories.
However, not everyone who cheats has a personality disorder. Some people may be dealing with feelings of insecurity. When someone outside of the marriage shows a romantic interest, this spark can override common sense and make someone consider cheating. Opportunistic cheating is also commonplace. Anyone with an addictive personality should fight the urge to carry out infidelity. A single encounter can become an endless string of indiscretions if you’re constantly chasing a high.
Childhood Experiences
Our formative years shape us as adults. Childhood experiences play a key role in how we behave with our romantic partners. Perhaps you witnessed cheating yourself as a child. If one or both of your parents were guilty of infidelity, it becomes somewhat normalized. Being the child of a divorce can also lead to cheating later in life. If someone suffered the impact of a messy divorce, they may see cheating as a necessary evil. They reason that, as long as their affair remains undiscovered, cheating is a less painful way of dealing with a problem than separating.
The Role of Relationships in Cheating
Cheats like to blame childhood experiences and factors out of their control for their behavior. However, the most common cause of infidelity is an unhealthy relationship dynamic. Most people look for affection or physical intimacy outside of their marriage if they’re feeling unappreciated at home. If someone already feels insecure, this lack of attachment makes the problem even more pronounced.
Some people justify physical infidelity because they’re not getting enough sex at home. However, the real problem here is an absence of communication. Some people may be uncomfortable about raising the issue with their spouse, while others may be worried that they’ll come up against an angry response. Rather than bite the bullet, they’ll look elsewhere to scratch that itch.
No matter how unhealthy a relationship is, cheating is always a betrayal. Many people are in unhappy relationships that have no future. Cheating may bring temporary relief, but when an affair is discovered, the cheating partner will have to shoulder feelings of guilt and remorse. They’ll have to carry this forward and it can be detrimental to future relationships.
The Impact of Technology on Cheating
Long gone are the days when someone would have to sneak off to a dive bar to cheat. In an era of smartphones and dating apps, it’s never been easier for people to cheat. Many dating app users are actually married. What’s more, cheaters of all ages turn to the likes of Tinder to find sex partners. Even people who aren’t genuinely considering being unfaithful may decide to satisfy their curiosities and download an app. However, a quick glance at what’s available can easily lead to someone sending a message, starting up a conversation, and eventually greeting to meet someone in real life.
Social media platforms and apps have muddied the concept of what actually constitutes cheating. Some people dismiss online exchanges as innocent fun, even if intimate details and photos are shared. In other words, if physical intimacy didn’t take place, it doesn’t really count as cheating. This can alleviate feelings of guilt, but it doesn’t make things easier for the betrayed partner.
If you have decided to cheat, don’t assume that dating apps are completely anonymous. Unless you’re investing in a subscription service with advanced privacy features, there’s always the chance you’ll get found out. You’ll have to be meticulous when it comes to policing your phone, which itself can raise suspicions from your other half. Furthermore, there’s always the possibility that a mutual friend or acquaintance will be using the same service. If you’re caught out online, news can easily filter back to your spouse.
Cheating and Mental Health
Infidelity has massive mental health implications. For the person who’s been cheated on, there’s the inevitable feeling of betrayal which leads to depression and anxiety. It can heighten feelings of insecurity that were already present and lead to a complete lack of trust in a relationship.
However, the cheater also suffers. Chronic stress is a major issue for people carrying on affairs. The worry of being found out means cheaters live with constant feelings of anxiety. In extreme cases, anxiety can lead to physical problems, such as heart issues and ulcers.
Therapy is a useful tool for remedying the mental issues that arise from cheating. If you’re currently engaged in an affair and want to reflect on your situation, speaking with a counselor is a good idea. They’ll help you reflect on the cause of your cheating and make you address some home truths about yourself. If you’re dealing with the fallout of an affair being discovered, entering into therapy with your partner can be a lifesaver. There’s no chance of a marriage recovering if feelings of doubt and heightened suspicion remain.
Understanding and Preventing Cheating
If you want to prevent affairs from happening, you need to delve deep into the psychology of cheating. If your parents engaged in extramarital affairs, make sure you realize that this isn’t normal behavior. Do you feel as though you’ve missed out on sexual experiences because you married at a young age? Pursuing affairs isn’t the solution here. Instead, consider how much your relationship actually means to you. If you want to save it, work on the problems that are there, rather than satisfy short-term needs elsewhere.
Most couples can safeguard their marriage by simply talking through their problems. There’s no room for awkwardness in a healthy relationship. If things need some help in the bedroom department, shine a light on the issue. If you’re feeling undervalued, let your spouse know.
Some couples need assistance in talking through their problems. Couples therapy is something you should definitely consider if you’re worried about one or both partners straying.
Final Thoughts
Any long-term relationship can be derailed by cheating. Infidelity takes many forms. There are opportunistic affairs, emotional infidelity, cyber cheating, and more. Each of these scenarios is caused by different things, with most people viewing them in different lights.
Technology is also making it easier than ever for people to cheat. Even if someone has no intention of actively pursuing an affair, downloading an app can quickly lead to them exchanging messages with strangers. In time, the opportunity of no-strings sex with somebody new can be hard to resist.
Getting a handle on the psychology of cheating can help stamp out infidelity before it happens. Most affairs start because someone feels unfilled at home. However, deep-rooted personality traits and childhood experiences can play a big role in cheating behavior.
Taking a proactive stance is the only way to have a fighting chance against cheating. Talk about your issues with your other half and maintain clear lines of communication. If you need help from a third party, don’t feel embarrassed to do so. Couples therapy isn’t just a tool for marriages on their last legs. A professional therapist can help you work through minor issues and strengthen your relationship so it can weather any storm.
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