Having An Affair; The Good, The Bad & The Ugly
I’ve cheated a lot over the years and have been successful in getting away with it. I’ve become an expert at knowing how to find women to cheat with, what to say to get out of the house, best places to cheat at and of course how to not get discovered.
It’s no surprise why the Metro Newspaper had me write an opinion piece on all their celebrity cheating stories.
Different Types Of Cheating
But there’s so many different types of cheating. Not all cheating is physical. Some can be emotional, some micro, others can be one night stands, office flings, texting an old-ex and everything in between.
All of which I’ve tried. However, I’ve come to appreciate that for me, the best form of cheating is having an affair, and ideally with someone who is married (this way they have as much to lose as I do).
Affairs Are The Pinnacle Of Cheating
There’s something about that girlfriend experience that beats all the other forms of cheating. And whilst it is deep and more emotionally involved, there’s a level of maturity to an affair that a one night stand just doesn’t have.
The right affair partner can really be a wonderful addition to your life and if you’re the type of person who likes to get involved in an extramarital affair, trust me when I say that affairs beat all of the above.
My Chat With A Relationship Coach
Just the other night I was out with a friend of mine who is a relationship coach. Now he would be mortified if he found out that I was a serial cheater let alone doing dating coaching to married men, simply mortified. And the topic of infidelity came up.
He turned red.
Hearing patients who have been cheated on, day in day out, had really taken its toll on him. He went on to tell me that the worst type of cheating was the affair. He explained that in his experience, a wife could forgive an office fling or a drunken one night stand; but what they can never get over is the betrayal of an affair. Not because of the sex, no, because of the emotional cheating. That emotional connection with another woman, that emotional intimacy, would break her more than knowing you were in bed together.
Emotional Infidelity
Whilst we have talked about this and micro cheating in past blogs, there’s something for me that’s very profound about being emotionally connected with an affair partner. It makes the relationship better and it sure as hell makes the sex better. And let’s be honest here, it’s nice to actually have deep and meaningful chats with a beautiful woman without her reminding you when to pick up the kids or to take the trash out.
There’s many reasons why men cheat, but married men who have affairs have been known to hook up with whomever is the lowest hanging fruit – which is why office romances and trysts are rampant. Most of them never get to have full blown affairs.
What I Learnt About Myself
There’s 2 huge things I learnt about myself over the last 10 years:
1) I prefer affairs over all other forms of cheating. By a long shot.
2) It’s so much easier to say to your affair partner that you’re married, and if they are too they’ll get it. They’ll respect the time you need to spend with your family without getting jealous and will know their place in your life automatically. Just as I know my place in their world.
3) There’s a maturity to it all which you can’t put into words, but I now understand more than ever why so many French Politicians have full time mistresses. Many of whom have told their wife; which is perhaps one step too far for me.
Advantages Of Having Affairs
1) They know the score. You’re married, they’re married – everyone has to keep their mouths shut.
2) Given she knows you’re married too, she’s never going to show up to your house and turn your life upside down.
3) It’s like dating and having a girlfriend all over. It’s exciting.
4) The conversations are much deeper.
5) The sex is so much better.
6) There’s no nagging.
7) They’re less needy.
The Disadvantages Of Affairs
1) It can get too emotional. Affairs can turn to love so quickly, sneak up on you and bite you in the ass before you even realise.
3) It’s hard to replace a great affair partner.
Discovering Affairs
In the early days, when I was on the hunt for a cheating partner, anyone would do. Beggars can’t be choosers. I’m married, I have kids – I needed to just take what I could get. In those days, these were mostly flings and one night stands.
And yes, they were great. Like super great. I’m hardly complaining that I had sex with a bunch of hot women – no sir.
But they were emotionless, robotic and had short lived. My sex life would thank them, but not my brain. These meaningless relationships (if you could even call them that) just weren’t aligned with my personality.
I love learning from people and once they’re out of your life within a week (or sometimes 24hrs) – it’s hard to build that relationship into that.
My Last Affair
My last affair was amazing. She was a doctor, drop dead stunning, intelligent and I loved her to pieces. I truly loved her with all of my heart. She was the first affair partner I ever had that made me consider leaving my wife. We would debate against one another, share common interests, laugh together and learn together. I would encourage her with some of her projects and she would support me in the things I was doing.
We were perfect partners.
And of course like any relationship, we would also argue and stop talking to each other for days. Yet somehow, we managed to get past all of that and would always run back to each other. Sometimes in the moments we weren’t talking, we’d see it as a sign to reflect and wonder whether or not what we were doing was right. Often our fights would serve as a red flag, to the cheating. The bold faced cheating.
The Beginning Of The End
Sadly, one day, she started to pull back a little. I was the first person she’d ever had an affair with and I could just sense something strange was happening. She’d read messages and not reply, she’d call me less, our calls were shorter and lacking in romance. It was clear that this was the beginning of the end. Our arguing increased and I was struggling to deal with the new reality.
I kept asking her if this was over, but I knew it was heading that way. She was feeling more and more guilty each day and was struggling to look her own children in the eye. She’d also stopped having orgasms whilst having sex with her own husband. It was going to be obvious soon if it wasn’t already that she was up to something. There was simply no point in continuing.
We don’t talk. Which is a shame but also a blessing. There was going to be no happy ending to this situation. And as much as I find myself sometimes feeling anger towards her for pulling back, for distancing from me – I remind myself of how much good came from being together. How amazing the good times truly were, how much I learnt, how much I felt love and being loved again. She was the best affair partner I’d ever have and I’d do anything to have that back again.
But sadly, it is true, sometimes good things do come to an end and not everything lasts forever. What we had, when we had it was the best. The possibility of it ever happening again are less than zero and even knowing that is a blessing.
Since Then
Since then I’ve had a string of flings and one night stands. But none of them have even come close to having an affair.
Despite the breakup and the gut wrenching pain that surrounds it, I’m still standing here saying affairs are the best form of cheating. Especially when you have the right affair partner.
The Right Affair Partner
The right affair partner is almost like having the perfect girlfriend. They boost your confidence and they truly are there for you every step of the way. I’ve heard of some affairs lasting for years and years, and after having had quite a few affairs, I can actually see how that’s possible.
People assume that people like me cheat just for the sex. That we simply aren’t getting it at home and so we go out hunting. That’s a completely unfair assumption.
The actual truth is many of us cheat because there’s something about getting that attention exclusively from someone that is absolutely so undeniably addictive.
Warning About Affairs
If you’re the type of person that already cheats but is just in it for the sex, then this article really isn’t for you. But if you are looking to take your cheating to the next level, then you are 100% my target audience.
But be warned. I’ve had 2 amazing affairs in the last 3 years. They were truly incredible. Like going out with my first ever girlfriend incredible. However, with all that happiness, when it all goes wrong, the breakups are just awful. And it will feel like someone has ripped your heart out off your chest and shattered it into a million little pieces.
Now you may think it’s worth it; thinking that going through that pain is worth having the amazing feeling that an affair brings. And for people like me it’s definitely worth it and been worth it – every time.
But what you have to ask yourself is this, whilst going through a breakup, are you still able to go home and act normal around your wife and kids without attracting attention? Now I wish I had a tip, trick or strategy to making that part easier – but I’m also lost here.
For me, the end of every affair is emotionally draining, yet somehow, I have to go home and play the happy husband and dad, because if I don’t, it’s going to be obvious. As if breakups aren’t hard enough. And remember you can’t share it with anyone (other than maybe a therapist), which I’ve never done. But you can’t tell your friends, you can’t tell your work mates, and of course you can NEVER tell your wife.
You simply suffer in silence.
Are You Ready For An Affair?
If you think you are ready for having an affair, be sure to play it all the way through in your mind. Of course it’s like being on cloud nine. But at some point even the best affairs end, and do so abruptly and badly.
And when I look back at my last 2 affair partners, what I miss the most, more than the chats and the sex and the laughter, is the emotional intimacy.
I didn’t know what to expect when I started down the sexual affairs route. I used to love my flings. I thought my future would be flings and one night stands only. And whilst that did happen often, they were unfulfilling. No one prepared me for what a life of emotional affairs and intimacy would look or feel like.
No one warned me that feelings would even be involved. That people would get hurt.
My Advice About Having Affairs
So here is my advice, if you ever consider having an affair, please read this post again. Please take into account the pitfalls as well as the highs. Committed relationships with an affair partner isn’t always for everyone. When looking outside your marriage, some people like variety and a primary relationship with just one person may not even be appealing.
However in real life, it’s easy to get sucked into an affair. It can make you reckless and arrogant and lead to suspicious behavior and raise suspicions at home.
My gut feeling has always been the thing that I follow in my life. And whilst I’ve always had plenty of short term flings, that’s never really done it for me. I’ve never really wanted to make more effort with someone I had a one night stand with, but for the perfect affair partner I’d go to the ends of the earth.
It’s a beautiful thing and if you’re ever lucky enough to find someone that gives you all the things that are missing from you life and fills you with happiness and makes you want to spend time with them, like all the time – then by all means, go for it. Just be careful. And know, after it’s all over, it’s hard.
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