How Are Most Affairs Discovered | 19 Most Common Ways

I went out for drinks the other night with a close friend of mine who is single. He just started a new job at a hedge fund and kept going on and on about this married co-worker that he was completely obsessed with.

I got the impression she wasn’t really into him – otherwise no doubt he would have known it, but he was optimistic. Married women are very good at dropping hints to a guy if they’re into him. She of course was dropping none of them. The sad reality was like so many, he had a crush on a married woman.

And he kept asking about affairs, how to get ready for one, where to find women to have an affair with, which dating site is the best and most importantly how are most affairs discovered.

The Reality Of A Cheating Husband

Now let’s just take a pause here. Because whilst I know I’m a cheating husband and I like taking risks and living on a knife edge, knowing how affairs are discovered plays on my mind a lot. In fact I think about it more than I should; especially so as not to fall into any obvious traps.

In wondering how I was going to write this piece, I realized that I could group all the ways into 2 simple categories: 1) stupidity and 2) bad luck.

Whenever you read articles about about a cheating husband, you know in the relationship advice of some magazine highlighting all the detailed information about the infidelity, cheating spouses seem to get busted by either bad luck or plain old stupidity.

And of course it’s both men and women who cheat, but given I’m a guy, and my marriage is seemingly healthy, this particular piece has of course been written from a guy’s POV.

Contemplated Cheating?

I’m a big believer that a lot of married people contemplate cheating. I feel it’s quite normal. Now most people don’t do it because they’re smart and feel guilty (unlike me). And they think through a lot of their actions and worry about being caught red handed (rightfully so).

But some people are curious, especially married men. A lot of married men who need to travel for work, may have had their first affair or one night stand on a business trip and come back completely addicted. Whilst others have had their fix one and now it’s out of their system.

The reality is at least twenty percent of my male friends have had relationships outside of their marriage. However when you read these gossip magazines, women reported infidelity at a substantially higher number, though I struggle to really believe those statistics. And of the 20% who have cheated, most of them have not been caught cheating. And they weren’t caught cheating because they took into account a lot of the below.

Some of those guys have stopped having relationships with other women, whilst others are on their third affair. The ones who stopped cheating, actually went the other way and rediscovered their relationship with their wife again. They enjoyed spending time with their families and didn’t enjoy the lying or the headache associated with having a mistress.

I’m No Expert But I Have Experience

Now whilst I’m no expert in giving relationship advice, what I do have is experience. And I’m careful. I accept that affairs have a starting point and at some point affairs end. And during that journey I go above and beyond to be careful.

If you’re going to cheat on your wife and aim to get away with it, the least you can do is be EXTREMELY careful.

Most affairs don’t last for years and years. In fact many of mine have lasted for a few months before they fizzle out. However, it’s very easy to become complacent in those few months. Allowing those butterflies in your stomach to take over can be very dangerous.

It’s hard enough having an affair, it’s equally hard keeping it a secret. You’ve heard the phrase,

‘it’s never the lie, it’s always the cover up.’

I won’t lie – it’s a rollercoaster of emotions that truly affects your mental health. And if you’re not ready for the cover up part, don’t even dip your toe in this murky world.

If You’re Reading This You’re Smart

If you’re on the verge of having an affair or already knee deep in one and have found yourself asking the question, how are most affairs discovered, then it tells me you’re smart and don’t want to get caught. It tells me that you value your relationship with your wife / partner and don’t want them to get hurt.

When affairs start, it’s a full on experience, but it’s good you’re here right now! There’s plenty of other articles on this site which can be used as related reading, but this is the one article that hopefully will save you getting caught.

Buckle Up & Read On

So buckle up and read on. I can teach you how to avoid the stupid and amateur mistakes and hopefully you don’t get caught, but of course no one can prepare you for the back luck ones.

Below are all the ways on how most affairs are discovered

1) Text Messages (stupidity)

 

Let’s start with the obvious. Your phone. It’s hardly realistic to have your phone with you at all times, including of course the shower. It’s going to left unattended at some point and unless you’re using secretive apps to communicate with your affair partners, text messages are an easy way to get caught.

WhatsApps have been known to be some of the most obvious ways of getting caught. And whilst you may get messaged at the wrong time, it’s those historical chats and sordid messages that you forget to cull could be the death of you. It’s literally Exhibit A in any divorce case.

2) Emails (stupidity)

Whilst there’s a lot more privacy in Emails than text messages, they also happen to come to most peoples’ phones, making them just as much as a liability as text messages. Many a cheating couple have been caught by keeping their sordid email chain going for just as long as their affair, leaving them exposed and making it easy for their affair to be discovered.

The trouble is, by virtue of how emails work, it’s also been known that affair partners have gotten discovered by accidentally sending it to the wrong person.

3) Acting Differently At Home (stupidity)

I have made this mistake so many times. It’s impossible to act 100% normal at home. You could be on cloud 9 with your affair partner, whilst it can also have the adverse effect.

I’ve had breakups with affairs partners and being normal at home has been one of the absolute most difficult things to do. It can make you short-tempered, irritable and flat – raising the question from your spouse:

‘what’s wrong?’

And unless you have a solid story as to why you are in a bad mood, you are 100% going to raise some suspicions.

4) Kissing / Having Sex Differently (stupidity)

 

Everyone you’re with likes different things. The way you kiss them, the way you have sex with them, it’s never going to be the same. That’s completely normal. However coming home and bringing that into your bedroom with your spouse is going to make her wonder where you learnt all these new moves from.

In fact, worse than wonder, it’s going to make her extremely suspicious. Imagine, what would yous say when she asks:

‘in all these years you’ve never done that, why now?’

5) Drastic Changes In Your Appearance (stupidity)

I used to see this one lady who was majorly into fashion. She was literally a shopaholic. When we got together, whilst she was very much into me, she completely hated the way I dressed.

She made me setup a shopping account and would periodically pick clothes out for me as well as skincare products and put them in my shopping basket. If I loved them, I’d buy them, if I didn’t I wouldn’t. But my dress sense changed so drastically that it wasn’t just my wife that was asking the questions, it was everyone in my life. I put it down to a mid-life crisis and following male influencers on Instagram – but it so wasn’t that.

6) Being On Tinder (stupidity & bad luck)

 

Whilst Tinder is a place for single people, there are many ways to use it if you’re married. The trouble is, if you do it wrong and don’t follow the steps in our blog, there’s a large possibility someone you know is going to clock you. Worse still, a friend or relative of your wife may also see you and it won’t be long before they take a screenshot and send it to her.

Whilst you could say, it’s someone playing a prank, a quick scroll of your handset will very quickly show that it was you indeed using Tinder. Schoolboy error. So unless you know what you’re doing, stay well away from this popular dating app.

7) Affair Dating Sites (stupidity)

Using sites that are specifically tailored for finding affairs like Ashley Madison are actually perfect (Elevate Your Online Dating Game: Ashley Madison Tips). The trouble is, you need a certain amount of discipline. You’ve got to remember to delete both your history and your cache. And let’s not forget, each time you get a match, there’ll be a triggered email. Each time you send or receive a message, you’ll also get an email notification. So unless these are all deactivated, just your browser history is going to get you busted.

8) Credit Card (stupidity)

Never ever leave a trace. And unfortunately using a credit card does precisely the opposite. In fact using a credit card is a HUGE no no. The bank statements alone are going to document all those purchases that you’re attempting to hide.

Always use cash or crypto, and if you’re looking to buy a gift for someone and have to buy it online, use a friend’s card, or better yet, use a pre-paid credit card. If not, you’re literally asking to get busted.

9) Pics / Screenshots (stupidity)

Ok, so we’ve all done this. Taken that selfie with an affair partner or taken a screenshot of a potential match on a dating site just to show the boys. The trouble with that is, you’re keeping a trace. Unless you’re organized and use hidden folders or manually hide your pictures, all you’re doing is giving your spouse a chance to find it.

In fact, if you use an Apple, the chances are you’ve synced up a lot of your devices. So don’t be that person that forgets to appreciate that the picture won’t just be on your handset, it could also end up on your home computer, even your kid’s iPad.

10) Location Location Location (stupidity)

When you’re having an affair, you do have to account to your wife about your whereabouts. Now of course you’re not going to tell the truth that you’re shacked up in some hotel. You’re going to use phrases like the gym, work meetings, client dinner, etc..

The thing is it’s easy to forget where you were when you recount your story at the end of the night and let’s not forget technology is a bitch. Most devices track location and if you’re foolish enough to have find my friends switched on, you’re just asking to get caught (in real-time.)

11) Being Spotted Out (bad luck)

If you’re really careless and go to popular hotspots, you’re just asking to get caught. But if you’ve gone to great lengths to pick somewhere secluded and isolated and you still happen to get seen, then this is pure back luck.

It’s going to be very very difficult to explain why you’re in some cabin in the woods with someone, whilst your wife is at home with the children. Especially if she thinks you’re on a work retreat with the whole company.

12) A Friend Snitching (stupidity)

Loose lips sink ships. That’s probably my most favourite phrase when it comes to talking about affairs. Don’t even tell your closest friends. I know it’s tempting, but unless you have some major dirt on them, how do you know they’re not going home to tell their wife. How do you know she’s not going to her local hairdresser and sharing the news and round and round it goes – one big game of Chinese Whispers all the way back to your spouse.

There’s an excitement to having an affair that makes you want to shout from the rooftops and brag. But unless you have that discipline to keep quiet, a life in the mafia and a life with mistresses is really not your calling.

13) Careful Online (stupidity)

I used to date someone I’d met on Instagram. Of course I first slid into her DMs before I slid into her panties. We kept commenting and liking on each other’s posts like total amateurs. It wasn’t long before her husband was wondering who I was. He kept watching all my stories religiously. And not long after that, the relationship fizzled out altogether. It was obvious he was getting highly suspicious, and neither her or I had done anything to quell that. However since then, I never follow, like or comment on any socials of someone I’m going out with. Far too risky.

14) Purchases (stupidity & bad luck)

I was in Cartier the other day, buying my wife a present for our anniversary. I left her with my card whilst I wondered around the rest of of the store looking for chocolate. Suddenly, it dawned on me that I had bought my mistress something from Cartier and there was a strong possibility that that bracelet would have been on my purchase history. I rushed back like you’d never seen. Bolt would have been severely impressed.

Luckily the person serving her hadn’t mentioned it, but when I asked to see my purchases on their screen, there it was in black and white. I just so happened to be very lucky that day, that they never asked her why she was getting a bracelet that I had just bought a few months earlier for my affair partner.

15) Guilt / Confessions (stupidity)

 

This may surprise you, but there are people who’ve had affairs, felt so guilty and then rushed home to tell their significant other all about it. For someone like me that’s absolutely crazy and yet it’s so common. As if confessing is going to make things better. And whilst in my world, this is so inconceivable, confessing to an affair is very very common.

16) Affair Partner Rings Up Wife (stupidity & bad luck)

When things comes to an end, as hard as affair break ups are, be sure to leave things on a positive note. You’ve heard the phrase there’s nothing worse than a woman scorned. It has been known that bad breakups can lead to your affair partner calling your wife! Just imagine the nightmare scenario. You end things badly or you lied about being married and she found out later, and then she gives your wife all the sordid details. I mean it’s pretty impossible to lie and deny your way out of that. So end things well or face the unexpected.

17) STDs (stupidity & bad luck)

I mean this is just a disaster. You getting an STD is literally just as bad as you confessing. Your wife is going to know in an instant that you caught it off someone else and there’s no getting out of it. You’ll be heading straight for a divorce. It’s bad enough cheating, but not using protection is literally just asking for trouble. Especially if your affair partner ends up getting someone pregnant.

18) Spying Apps (bad luck)

Whilst I’m sure they’re not legal, there are plenty of apps out there that can track a lot of what you do. It’s like a device scanning app. They can track your movements, messages, emails and whatsapps and then send a copy of all of those to another number. Technology can be an absolute nightmare and if you’re not careful and your wife is already suspicious, these apps could be the death of you.

19) Burner Phone (stupidity)

If you’re going to be a seasoned cheater, at some point you’re going to need a burner phone. The trouble is, where do you keep it. I’m lucky enough to keep mine at work, however a lot of people don’t necessarily have that luxury. They keep it with them or in their car. The trouble with having a burner phone is that it’s easy to forget to keep it clean and delete messages. You almost assume because it’s a secret line, no one is ever going to check it. But if discovered, not only is having the phone bad, but having it filled with sordid messages that haven’t been deleted going to land you in hot soup.

Conclusion

If you’ve made it this far, I’m sure you’ll agree that affairs are a headache. They’re so much more complicated than unmarried relationships. I’ve always gone out of my way to point out in this blog that I’m broken. I don’t for one second advocate people to have affairs. Married couples will always go through ups and downs, moments of excitement and moments of dullness; but that’s never a reason or an excuse to start having affairs.

If you’re on the verge of having an affair, my advice would be to not have one and work on your primary relationship. It’s not a glamourise lifestyle and for most people, most affairs are discovered  in the end for various reasons (as you can see above).

Marriage isn’t easy and if you think having an affair is the answer, you are wrong. Therapy, a holiday or talking it through are much more prudent options.

I always tell people, this life isn’t for everyone, especially when affairs lead to love – things get even more messy then!

FAQs

1) How Many Affairs Are Never Discovered?

Discovering the exact number of affairs that remain undiscovered is challenging due to the secretive nature of such activities. However, statistics indicate that around 57% of unfaithful partners in the U.S. report that their past partners never found out about their infidelity​​. This high percentage underscores the hidden nature of many extramarital affairs.

2) How Do Cheaters Get Caught?

Cheaters get caught in various ways, but some common methods include changes in behavior, technology trails, and confessions. For example, unexpected changes in routine, secretive phone or computer usage, unexplained expenses, and emotional distance can raise suspicions. Technological trails such as messages, emails, or browser history are also common ways cheaters are discovered. Despite these methods, around 57% of affairs go undetected​​. Additionally, only about 22% of unfaithful partners confess to their infidelity, indicating that discovery is more often accidental or due to investigation rather than voluntary admission​​.

3) How Do Most Affairs End?

Most affairs end without transitioning into long-term relationships. Research shows that only about 3% of men who cheat leave their wives for their mistresses, and of those, a significant 75% end up divorcing the person they had an affair with​​. Furthermore, about 60-75% of couples stay together after an affair is discovered, indicating that many affairs conclude with the original couple attempting to reconcile and address the issues that led to the infidelity​​. This suggests that most affairs do not result in the dissolution of the original relationship and are not typically the foundation for a new, enduring partnership.

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