15 Terrifying Signs Your Affair Partner Is Losing Interest
Having an affair is amazing. If you go about it the right way, with the right affair partner, there are simply no words to describe what an amazing experience it is. The rush, the excitement, the sex, the love, the secrecy – that magical combination keeps you locked on cloud nine making see life in full colour.
But sadly, like so many good things in life, not everything lasts forever. It can go from love to breakup quite quickly and sometimes the signs your affair partner is losing interest are staring you in the face.
My last full blown affair wasn’t too long ago. It lasted for months and we were both deeply in love. We texted each other cheesy messages every morning, we spoke multiple times a day, met at least once a week and ended each night with an hour of messaging. It was heaven! We had met on Instagram, I had somehow smoothly slide into her DMs. This was a huge change from using all those dating websites for affairs.
However, out the blue, I could sense that she was behaving a little different. At first it wasn’t something tangible, but I could just sense something was off. Not long after, everything just became less and less. The texts went from being predictable to sporadic. The calls were happening less and less. There were more excuses not to meet. I knew the breakup was coming and I started acting out.
Her Losing Interest Made Me Mean
I’d go from being over loving to picking fights. I was being defensive and going out of my way to make her feel bad for making me fall for her. Just thinking about it now, it still hurts. She was the only affair partner I’d ever had whom I’d fallen in love with. She was the only affair partner I’d ever have that I’d considered leaving my wife over. She was the only one, I’d ever let see me so vulnerable. I was angry and lashed out at practically every opportunity. I’d go out of my way to make her feel guilty and her distancing herself from me turned me into a really nasty person.
It was obvious things were never going back to how they were and I cut contact with her immediately after recognising that. The trouble is I missed her so much and every couple of months would look to get in touch with her.
But that was a futile exercise. She was over it and the last person on earth she ever wanted to hear from was me. It was well and truly over. And whilst I’m filled with anger when I think about her, or at least angry about her pulling away – I try not to think too hard of the good times because then I fear I’d do something stupid and pick up the phone and call her.
Healthy Relationship
In a healthy relationship there’s always going to be this balance. When you have a committed relationship with your affair partner, it’s real. It may be secret and no one can ever find out but it’s still real. Emotions are still at play and an emotional affair is a powerful thing! But it’s still an affair and your partner’s life will also be just as busy as yours, maybe even more. As much as they may want to spend time with you, it may not be possible.
Signs your affair partner is losing interest
The Rhythm Is Off
There’s a certain rhythm to a relationship. This reliability that happens between a couple, a pattern. This back and forth that makes a good relationship so amazing. It could be a morning message, an X after every message, an emoji, a phrase, that’s so predictable and so amazing that you can bank your life on that happening.
But suddenly, you can wake up one morning and the morning message isn’t there. Or they’re no longer putting an X after every message. It’s gonna start off small – but generally is a STRONG indication that they’re pulling back.
They’re Busy
I used to speak to my last affair partner at least 3-4 times a day. It was regular. We would both look forward to the calls. Sometimes we had nothing to talk about, but just being on the phone made us feel closer together. It fuelled the relationship. So when she started not calling as much or returning my calls – I knew something was wrong. I’d text and make a joke about it, but her response would be snappy ‘I’m busy‘ or worse still ‘I can’t spend my whole day talking to you.’
Arguments
Generally when you’re having an affair, there’s very few arguments. You save those for the wife. But when you start arguing with your affair partner, you can bank on the fact that things are starting to go bad. I used to argue with my affair partner at the end of the relationship loads – mostly because I wasn’t the apple of her eye anymore.
Guilt
My last affair partner started to feel guilty a lot before it ended. She’d moan about not being able to look her kids in the eyes, she felt guilty that she could no longer orgasm whilst having sex with her husband. She was getting completely consumed with guilt. It was obvious what was coming next ……. And she kept making a point of reminding me of her guilt.
The Sex
The sex changed, it was almost like she wasn’t there. Again the sex had a pattern to it too. We both knew what each other liked and always obliged. And when that started to change, it was another sure fire sign that things were off.
Being Secretive
My ex would tell me every nuance about her day, her work, her home life – everything! And when she started holding back some of this information and worse still being secretive, I knew the end was in sight. It was a tell tale sign your partner was losing interest.
Planning Ahead Stopped
Having an affair takes a certain degree of discipline and planning. Being spontaneous and impromptu is a quick way of being caught. And so we’d always plan ahead so we knew we would have cover stories in place. However, when the planning stopped, or went from definitive to tentative, was a sign that things were fast heading into a brick wall. Future plans would always make me feel confident in our relationship, but when those future plans ended – I just knew it was coming. Making plans together was one of the things I loved doing with her the most.
They Stopped Asking About Your Day
When she stopped asking about my day, I’d always get nervous. She used to go out of her way to make sure I was having a good day and better yet, would try and cheer me up if it wasn’t. I used to always feel jarred that she stopped asking.
Your Feelings No Longer Matter
There was a time where my feelings to her mattered a lot. Like truly mattered. And then suddenly, not only was she not asking how my day would go, but when I’d obviously be upset about something, she’d just ignore it. It was very much out of character for her, which made it more painful to deal with.
Everything You Did Was Wrong
Somehow, we got into the position where everything I did was wrong. It was almost like I was her husband. She was constantly irritable at me, and would often be eye rolling when we’d be in person. I was on this slippery slope that I could do no right.
They Want To See A Therapist
At one point, she began reflecting on her marriage and wondering why she was even having an affair in the first place. She kept going on and on about wanting to see a therapist with her husband. I really didn’t want to hear about all this, and of course it was clear that my precence wasn’t needed.
She’d Read Your Messages And Not Reply
Nothing is more frustrating to me than someone, anyone reading my message and not replying. So annoying. But when someone I’m in a committed relationship with me does that, it would drive me absolutely bananas. I used to tell her all the time that I’d hate when she did it, but nonetheless, it was her unconsciously pulling back.
Your Opinion No Longer Mattered
There was a time where she wouldn’t make a decision without checking in with me. Whether it was a work decision, a life decision, even a haircut – it all got run past me. But suddenly, not only was my advice not being asked for, when I volunteered it, it was quickly ignored.
They Accuse You Of Cheating On Them
I remember being ever so shocked when she started questioning me about cheating. We met on Instagram and often she’d see me liking other women’s pictures. This lead to huge arguments and accusations that because I cheat on my wife, I’d cheat on her too. And whilst none of this was ever true, the fact that she was doubting me was not a good sign.
Gut Feeling
There’s something about being intuitive that isn’t always good. But when you know it’s over, it’s really over. It could be a combination of all of the above, or simply just a feeling in your stomach that won’t go away. We all have a certain degree of intuition and when you start to even think it’s over – chances are it probably is. Sometimes having an open conversation can help, but the truth is, it won’t really.
Letting Go Of Your Affair Partner
I used to love spending time with my ex affair partner. But when she went from losing interest in me to completely having lost interest, was heart breaking. I couldn’t get over how disposable I was to her. I felt nothing but anger. A friend of mine is a family therapist and whenever I speak to him (of course he doesn’t know I have affairs), he always says that for a lot of people, breakups can be worse than going through mourning. It’s similar in that you’re losing someone from your life for good. And whilst he wasn’t giving me relationship advice, he made the valid point of highlighting to me that once an emotional connection breaks, everything breaks. Physical intimacy changes, date ideas become dull, open conversations become not so open are all tell tale signs your affair partner is losing interest. And it’s tough to deal with. Both men and women suffer equally knowing that an impending breakup is on the cards.
A long term relationship with an affair partner is already one of the biggest juggling acts that exists. A date night in a hotel room, a weekend getaway, spending quality time together under the radar all takes a huge amount of covering up and planning. Especially when you are trying to keep your marriage safe. But romantic relationships outside of your marriage are generally hard to juggle. Emotions are always running high.
No matter how in love with you are, having an affair takes effort. But when you know it’s coming to an end, and the above signs almost put you on notice of an impending breakup – I would find it tough to deal with. That feeling of rejection would wash over me and my behavior would go from charming to terrible. I’d lash out and be mean, because let’s be honest, who really ever wants a great thing to end. And all the name calling in the world wasn’t going to fix things.
My feelings for my last affair partner were so strong, I contemplated leaving my wife over her. In the short period of time we were together, I fell for her hard. I was truly in love. And that’s not something I’ve ever felt with past partners. My ex was different. But for a relationship to work, you both have to be in sync. And when the warning signs start to show up, it’s a red flag, a huge red flag that things are going to end and end abruptly.
If you are reading some of this, then it all may just sound familiar. Perhaps too familiar. It doesn’t matter how much mutual interest you have with them, how much you’re in love – when it’s over, it’s over.
In this game, going from a booty call to a relationship happens all the time. But if you’re as lucky as I’ve been and have found love outside of your marriage – it’s a beautiful thing. That said, when it’s time for the curtain to close – nothing you say or do will change that, or that’s certainly been the case in my world.
Conclusion
If you sense they’re pulling back, it’s time to bow out and move on gracefully. Easier said than done I know. You’re not the only person in the world who has had an affair partner start to lose interest and you won’t be the last. But remember, you still have to go home and put on a brave face.
You still have to go home and see your wife and kids and act like nothing has happened. So if you really are struggling with this, don’t do what I do and deal with it alone – see someone. Have a frank conversation with a therapist, a clinical psychologist, speak to someone so you don’t suffer in silence. And whilst I’m no relationship expert, all I can impart on you is things I’ve learnt along the way.
You will move on, you will meet someone new, you will be physically attracted to someone else, it’ll just take a bit of time. Often, someone losing interest in you in the cheating world has very little to actually do with you. It’s typically their own guilt or demons that are clouding their judgement. Fighting for them as I did, will just act as a catalyst for it to end even faster.
Give it time and you’ll be back out there flirting and dating and having sex before you’re next amazing affair comes along!
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