Even Cheaters Feel Pain Over Breakups

I’ve never been good at breakups. Ever. Even when I broke up with my first girlfriend at 17, I was a wreck. Firstly I got dumped!! 

And at the time, so many things went through my mind. That overwhelming fear of rejection surrounded me and I was convinced I’d never meet anyone as good ever again.

I had this feeling in the pit of my stomach and I just couldn’t shake it! 

I did everything to win her back. I sent her cards and flowers, I was even pathetic enough to record myself onto a cassette tape (remember those) and send it to her. Looking back, I cringe at my attempts…

It took me a long time to get over her. And in that dumping, I felt deflated. I felt that my confidence had been knocked so badly, I had even lost what little game I had back then completely. I had lost my ability to speak to other women, and I just kept comparing them to her. 

It was all just so pathetic. I was pathetic. 

But here’s what so strange. I never changed. Every breakup I went through, I felt exactly as I did above, but I had learnt to completely cut out the grovelling part. Effectively I just suffered in silence. 

I was great at chasing women and making them feel special, but I was a terrible boyfriend. Once in the comfort of a relationship, I’d always be out with my friends, often speaking to and hooking up with other girls, but knowing I had the security blanket of a girlfriend. 

And that meant I was the guy who got dumped quite a lot vs the guy who ended it.

I had even perfected the line, when people would ask me who ended it, I’d always say

it was a mutual decision.

I never had the strength to be the one to end it and I always just waited for it to end. And often, despite knowing the relationship wasn’t for me, I still took the breakups really badly. 

The flings were easy to forget and the one night stands were even easier, but those darned relationships – I always struggled. Remember to check out our article on how to know when it’s time to breakup with someone. 

Now if you’ve read some of my other posts, there’s no doubt I’m a playboy, a player, a womaniser – I’m not even going to be crass enough to tell you the number of the women I’ve slept with – but don’t think for a second it doesn’t come with its own emotional baggage. In my very first post I said:

Beyond all the texts, and butterflies, and sex – there’s an emotional toll. And you have to learn to deal with that, or it’s going to be obvious the second you get home!

Your wife will sense it, your kids will sense it – shoot, I’ve even seen guys come home and just confess their sins because they couldn’t live with the guilt.

This game isn’t for everyone, and it’s certainly no game! The stakes are high, the risk is high! And yes, for me the reward at the end of it is worth it, but I’ve developed the stomach for this!

And I meant every word of it. 

However, I came to accept that that was how I was built and I would just get used to the pain, ride it out, have more one night stands and flings until the next great relationship came along. 

And the meaningless sex between waiting for the next relationship was meant to take the hurt away – but for me, it never did!! As popeye said:

I Yam Who I Yam

Little did I know the pain of breaking up amplified ten fold after I got married. 

About 6 months ago I got out of a relationship that had gotten too serious. Not only was I married but so was she.

She was funny, pretty, intelligent and had a great career. Everything about her was perfect. We both fell in love with each other. Both of us would carve out an hour a day just to chat over the phone and we’d be messaging each other non stop. I was verging on getting sloppy but I was so in love and so was she. And don’t even get me started on the sex. It was all so perfect. 

In Too Deep

We’d both made the cardinal mistake in an affair, we fell for each other hard and fast! It had gotten so bad, that she had stopped being able to have orgasms when she was having sex with her husband (which strangely made me feel very happy). 

Neither of us could imagine a life without each other and both of us had contemplated leaving our spouses for each other. But she knew the rules from day 1, I’d never leave my wife and more importantly my 3 kids for anyone. Not even for the love of my life.  

Finally, after realising that this was only going to cause hurt and pain, she was the one who mustered up the strength and ended it. The only outcomes were bad and she knew this. I so desperately didn’t want it to end, and when it did, all those loving conversations turned into huge shouting matches to the point where we cut contact with each other.

And what happened when it ended? Pain all over again. Gut wrenching pain. But this time it was harder because I had to go home and play happy husband and father, as if none of this had ever happened. 

Things were made even worse because she was hugely active on social media and so I kept watching all her videos thinking I couldn’t even speak to her. There wasn’t this out of sight out of mind policy. She was literally on my phone and I couldn’t stop looking. And every time I watched one of her videos, I would miss her more and then hate her for ending it. 

In those 6 months since the breakup, I had several flings, several one night stands and yet until recently, all I could think about was her. 

I’m Sorry

Now I want to apologise because I have kept the tone of this website generally upbeat, even funny at times. But my posts have been nothing but honest and as I always said on day 1 – I don’t glamourise cheating. I know it’s wrong. I’m not sitting here encouraging men to cheat.

No sir!

My mission has been to protect men from their families being hurt from our selfish behaviour. What they don’t find out will never hurt them. 

So let me leave you with this.

Yes, cheating can be fun. It can put you on Cloud 9 and give you a confidence that you’ve never possessed before.

But when it ends, there’s truly a toll.

It almost alters your DNA and if you can’t manage your state properly, you’ll end up taking out your frustrations on your family – which will leave them confused and wondering where your bad mood is coming from! It may even get you busted or somehow make you think that confessing will make the pain go away. Which it won’t.

Whilst I don’t feel guilt, I do feel pain.

I’ve learnt to manage it. However; if breakups affect you just as badly as they do me, then don’t go down this road. Because it’s filled with highs (which don’t last long) and some lows (which scar you forever). 

I occasionally watch my ex’s videos online of her out with friends or worse still her husband, but now I’m thankfully indifferent. It doesn’t both me at all. But it took me 6 whole months to get here. 

Don’t say I didn’t warn you. 

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