How Affairs Usually End
People cheat for a whole host of reasons. What’s more, there’s no one-size-fits-all profile for an affair. Some people become emotionally entangled with colleagues, while others realize a long-time friend is someone they want to cheat with. Others are proactive in the hunt for an affair partner, heading online or seeking out strangers during nights out with friends. Although there’s a huge amount of risk involved when pursuing affairs, they can be pretty rewarding for those who manage to keep their indiscretion a secret. However, even the best affairs don’t last long.
Some affairs last for a matter of weeks, while around half of all of them are done and dusted within a year of getting started. Other affairs can last for much longer, crossing the 12-month mark and heading into the two-year territory. In rare situations, affairs can last for many years, even decades. However, you need to be realistic about things and realize that extramarital relationships have a shelf life. Looking to bring an ill-judged affair to a close? Worried about a good thing ending earlier than you’d like? Let’s explore some of the ways that affairs usually come to an end.
How Affairs Usually End?
Most people assume that affairs only come to a close when the infidelity is discovered. However, it’s pretty rare that a cheating partner is caught out by their other half. In my friendship circle alone, half a dozen people have cheated, and only one of them has ever been caught in the act.
In actual fact, many affairs die off for the same reasons that normal relationships do. One of the main reasons why these relationships fail is that the thrill wears off. That initial fire you feel for someone new quickly becomes familiar. After a few weeks or months, even the ecstasy of great sex can’t justify all the effort needed to keep an affair secret. What’s more, people quickly realize how hollow an affair can be. If there’s little emotional connection there, maintaining an affair doesn’t really seem worth it.
Guilt and Anxiety
Other people can’t deal with the guilt of cheating on their partner. It can be a massive relief for a cheater to find out their affair partner wants to draw things to a close. Sometimes, cheaters take a proactive approach and call things quiet because they can’t deal with the constant feelings of anxiety.
If you’ve kicked off an affair because your spouse isn’t treating you well, you might not feel outright guilt about the situation. However, the stress of trying to keep things secret can be detrimental to your mental health. Even if you think that your other half deserves to be betrayed, the payoff you have to suffer saps any thrill out of things.
Misery Loves Company
Have you hooked up with a person who’s also engaged or married? I’ve found these pairings to be one of the safest ways to maintain an affair and keep it a secret. You’re both in the same boat and both parties know the consequences of an affair becoming common knowledge. However, you’ve got to be careful with this kind of entanglement.
Why?
If you’re both cheating because you have a long list of complaints about your other halves, it’s easy for those gripes to become the main conversation topic. Whether you’re raking over old ground to justify your actions or just want to chew the fat, this negativity can be consuming. An enriching affair should make you feel better, not bring you down to earth and depress you. In many cases, affair partners choose to call things off once the arrangement becomes too much of a downer to deal with.
You Realize You’re Dealing With a Complete Stranger
Short-term affairs can be thrilling, especially if the sex is great. However, any affair that lasts longer than a few weeks needs to be built on firmer ground. Once you’ve been seeing someone for more than a month, you’ll start to see how different you are.
In my experience, having wildly different interests isn’t really an issue if your sole focus is sexual gratification. However, if you’re looking for something more meaningful, there’s no point flogging a dead horse. Why bother spending months trying to make an affair work if you’re already turning away from the marital bed because of relationship issues? If you want your affair to have mileage, you need to think twice before getting involved with someone who isn’t your spouse.
While affairs seem shiny and new at first, the veneer quickly wears away. After a month or two, you’ll have a clear idea of how well things are working and whether or not to proceed. If infidelity still appeals but you don’t see your current affair partner working out, cut your losses and look elsewhere.
You’ve Been Found Out
This is a nightmare scenario and one you want to avoid at all costs. Sometimes, people openly admit to their affairs because they can’t cope with the crippling guilt. Other times, the issue is taken out of their hands and their infidelity is discovered.
There are many ways you can be caught out. Have you become involved with someone at work? Make sure you’re playing nice with all of your colleagues. Bad blood can lead to a world of pain if an irate coworker who knows about your affair decides to let your spouse know what’s going on.
You also need to think about other people who know what you’re up to. A lot of people in affairs decide to confide in a friend so they can share the emotional burden of cheating. While this can be an instant stress reliever, it ultimately makes things more complicated. You’re simply spreading the guilt around. If your friend is someone who crumbles at the first sign of conflict, they’re the best person to confide in. Once again, you also need to be sure you’re keeping them sweet. A simple falling out over something trivial can turn into a marriage-ending fiasco when they decide to make your secret common knowledge.
Other times, your partner is the one to discover your affair. This can happen in a variety of ways. When I’ve played away, I’ve been meticulous about keeping my affairs secret by using a burner phone. However, a lot of people don’t do this. If you’re keeping in touch with your affair partner with your usual device, make sure this never leaves your side. A single message popping up on your home screen can bring everything out into the open if your partner spots it. Your spouse might also catch you in a lie. Keeping an affair secret is an art form. If you can’t cope with remembering a long list of lies and alibis, you’ll find yourself backed into a corner in no time. Sometimes, you can dig your heels and lie your way out of the most impossible situation. Other times, you’ll crumble and admit to what’s been happening.
Of course, the worst possible way of being found is your spouse catching you being intimate with someone else. Naturally, this rules out using your place as a staging ground for sex. However, avoiding the marital home doesn’t go far enough. Keep your meetings out of the zip code if possible.
What Happens to a Marriage When Affairs End?
Has your affair been discovered? If you’re massively unhappy in your marriage, I’d suggest taking stock of things and deciding what to do next. If your affair partner is open to the idea of a conventional relationship, now might be the time to split from your spouse and pursue a new relationship with someone who actually interests you. If not, consider whether the single life might still be a better future for you.
A lot of the time, affair partners aren’t interested in a conventional relationship. This means a lot of people are at the mercy of their betrayed partner. Divorce is something a lot of people have to deal with. Even if the divorce papers aren’t brought into play immediately, a trial separation might be called for. For some people, a divorce is the way forward. However, it becomes more difficult for people who’ve been in relationships for years. If you’re tied to a mortgage and numerous financial commitments, you can end up walking away with your bank balance in the red. It’s even more of a headache if you’ve got a family and need to fight it out in court for custody.
Can a Marriage Be Saved After an Affair?
Just because your infidelity has been discovered by your spouse, doesn’t mean that your marriage is doomed. The statistics vary between studies, but it’s thought as many as 20% of marriages impacted by divorce survive for five years or longer. However, keeping a broken marriage on life support takes effort.
You’ll need to admit your guilt and be accepting of change. Marriage counseling isn’t for everyone, but spending some time with a therapist can help both partners reengage and find their voice. You also benefit from a neutral party laying down cold, hard truths. As the partner who did the cheating, you’ll have to take the brunt of this. However, if you were driven to cheat because of a lack of intimacy, physical and emotional, a therapist won’t allow your other half off the hook entirely.
Do You Want to Carry on Cheating?
A recently discovered affair doesn’t have to be the end of your extramarital adventures. Unfortunately, a lot of people end up stuck in a relationship they’d rather not be in, but the long list of gripes with their partner remains. As such, finding their kicks elsewhere is the only way to save their sanity. If you’ve been found out or had to admit to an affair, you’re going to have to work extra hard to keep your next indiscretion a secret. If you were lazy about keeping these text exchanges and calls a secret, you’ve got to be more meticulous next time around. Invest in a second phone, or at least a second SIM card. Did you previously hook up with someone you knew from everyday life? Don’t even consider anyone who falls within that work-life-friends Venn diagram the next time you want to cheat.
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