How Do Affairs Usually Start?
Infidelity is a lot more common than you might think. According to some studies, as many as 60% of married men at some stage. While women are generally considered more faithful, the number of wives cheating on their husbands is rising, with around 45% of them cheating on their spouses during their marriage.
All in all, around a third of marriages are rocked by cheating at some point or other, with infidelity being one of the main factors behind rising divorce rates. Worried about whether your other half is being faithful? Maybe you’re trying to resist the urge to play away. Read on for the lowdown about how affairs usually take shape and the places you should be avoiding if you want to safeguard your marriage.
How Do Affairs Usually Start & Why?
In my experience, most people who end up cheating aren’t actively looking to betray their other half. Most of the time, infidelity is circumstantial. That doesn’t make it any easier for the betrayed partner. While married people get a bad rap when they cheat, you don’t have to be hitched to be carrying on an affair. If you’re engaged or in a long-term partnership, any relationship you have with someone who isn’t your other half is considered cheating.
While the opportunity to cheat can appear like it’s come out of nowhere, the driving factors that encourage people to cheat have usually been there for a long time. Many people in long-term marriages and relationships have to contend with that seven-year itch. In my circle of friends, the same complaints come up time and again. Action in the bedroom is fizzling out, people aren’t talking to each other, or one of both partners simply wants to try something new.
A good friend of mine bit the bullet and brought up the prospect of an open relationship with their other half. Luckily for them, their other half went for it. However, this kind of scenario just isn’t an option for most people. A lot of people find it easier to do the dirty on their partner, than face the embarrassment of suggesting ways to spice up a relationship.
Almost every affair is damaging, even if it’s not found out. For the person doing the cheating, they have to live with life-long guilt and the constant stress of keeping their infidelity a secret. Even if an affair goes undiscovered and they eventually bring it to a close, they then have to consider the reality that if they’re capable of cheating, so is their partner.
When an affair gets discovered, the fallout is painful for everyone. Even if a marriage survives the reveal, trust is broken. Sometimes, that trust can be repaired, but it takes a lot of work. Therapy is almost always required to get both partners talking again and working on patching up their relationship.
However, it’s not always a stagnating sex life or lack of interest in a partner that drives people to cheat. Many times, affairs creep on you. I’m talking about the complicated topic of emotional infidelity here.
Emotional Infidelity: What You Need to Know
Do you ever feel like your partner doesn’t understand you? We’ve all been there. Sometimes, it’s just a case of poor communication. However, a few days of not talking can lead to a lifetime of emotional distance. This isn’t just a killer for your sex life and relationship in general, it also leaves you more likely to seek emotional connection elsewhere.
Emotional infidelity is often the precursor to a physical affair. It can happen when a friendship evolves into something more heated, or a workplace relationship turns into something more significant. Most of the time, emotional infidelity is one-sided. In other words, you might be putting a lot more stock in what’s happening than the other person.
If things are particularly bad at home, it’s easy to see why people get sucked in by emotional infidelity. However, you need to be real with yourself. You’re falling for a fantasy, rather than something rooted in reality. You’re idealizing the other person, rather than recognizing faults.
That being said, there are times when emotional connections become something more. The other person might be giving you clear signals that they’re interested in taking things further. Over time, emotional infidelity becomes a full-blown affair.
Affairs at the Office
The workplace is where a lot of infidelity starts, with the average office usually playing host to at least one affair at any given time. It’s understandable why the workplace is a hotbed of infidelity. You probably spend just as much time with your colleagues as you do with your other half, if not longer.
You’re also likely to share a lot of common ground with the people you work with. I’m not just talking about the fact you do the same jobs and talk to the same people. Suffering under poor leadership from a bad boss? Feeling undervalued because your department hasn’t received a pay rise in over a year? All these things can build camaraderie. For some people, this just means stronger friendships and tight-knit teams. For others, it makes it easier to overthink an emotional connection with a colleague. Sometimes, this leads to a more heated relationship and affairs start.
Relationships at work are generally frowned upon. Even if your workplace doesn’t have a strict policy in place, nobody likes being the topic of conversation or the next water cooler moment. However, this doesn’t stop people from pursuing affairs with colleagues, regardless of whether they’re single or not.
So why do affairs flourish in the workplace? For one, it’s hard to avoid someone who’s piqued your interest. Whether you’re admiring them from an affair or you’ve started to connect with them because you’re working on the same project, it can be almost impossible to put distance between you and them. I once worked with a woman who was starting to get it bad for a male coworker. She tried to nip the whole thing in the bud quickly by asking for a transfer to a new department to help her resist the urge. She got her wish, but her move quickly drew the attention of the office gossip. Sometimes, it’s a no-win situation.
Nonetheless, affairs that begin at work can turn into enriching relationships. If you want to pursue an affair with someone you work with, be prepared to up your game to keep the whole thing secret. If you fall foul of another colleague, you don’t want them to have extra collateral on you that they can use to your advantage.
Affairs and Social Circles
Sometimes, life-long friends can quickly realize they’re falling for each other. Other times, a new addition to a social circle can catch your eye, and emotional feelings begin to develop. Entering into an affair with a friend or acquaintance is tricky. On one hand, you’ll have a more well-rounded insight into what that person is like. On the other hand, finding excuses to spend even more time with them can draw the suspicion of your other half. This is even more of a problem if you’re dealing with a jealous spouse who doesn’t like the idea of spending more time with your friends than you do with them.
As with the office environment, people talk within social circles. You might think you’re keeping an affair with someone well-protected from gossip, but even one minor exchange in public can give the game away.
Most of the time, affairs with friends are the result of a drunken encounter. If you want to avoid the urge to cheat with someone you know, be wary when heading out for a night in the town. What’s more, consider the fallout to your social life if you do enter into a messy affair with someone and things end badly. Your reputation is tarnished and the other members of your social circle are going to pick sides. Best friends become sworn enemies, while others might turn their back on you for good.
One-Night Stands
A staggering number of people cheat at least once in their life. This usually happens during a night out, when alcohol and other substances cloud our judgment. It could be as simple as a kiss or a heated moment on the dancefloor. Sometimes, things quickly progress to sex. If you’ve given into temptation and engaged in a one-night stand, take a step back and plan your next move carefully. If this is a one-off, cut your losses and keep it a buried secret. What your other half doesn’t know won’t hurt them.
For some people, a one-stand is more of a sexual awakening. It can stir up feelings that they’d never considered before and have them questioning their primary relationship. Have you swapped numbers with the person you cheated with? If things went well in the bedroom – or the bathroom stool of a dive bar – expect a call sometime soon. While most one-night stands remain exactly that, others do progress to long-lasting affairs.
Online Hookups
The rise in dating apps and hookup sites for married people has made it easier for people to enjoy no-strings sex with strangers. They’ve also made it far easier for people to pursue affairs. If you’re using one of these apps and are married, you’ve already crossed a line. However, you haven’t quite passed the point of no return.
That being said, be honest with yourself. Some married people argue they’re simply scouring these networks out of curiosity, but it doesn’t take much for a profile like or single message to turn into something more.
What’s more, when people realize just how easy it is to find hookups with these apps, the urge to cheat on a more regular basis becomes hard to resist. While they’re convenient, they leave you pretty open to being exposed. Unless you’re using a platform designed solely for discretionary encounters in mind, there’s always a chance a friend or family member will spot you doing the rounds online.
Planning on Cheating?
If you’re someone who’s actively looking to cheat on your partner, avoid the usual hotspots. It might seem convenient to give into the urge to cheat with a colleague who you feel a connection with, but you’ll have to work extra hard to keep your relationship a secret. Do you have your eye on a new addition to your social circle? Again, consider all the additional effort that’ll be needed to keep things hush-hush from your friendship group, as well as your spouse.
Going online is certainly convenient. Even everyday hookup apps like Tinder have plenty of profiles from married users looking to play the field. However, for peace of mind, stick with paid platforms that allow you to remain as anonymous as possible until you’re ready to actually meet with someone.
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