Do Affairs Ever Start Up Again?
Do affairs ever start up again is a question I find myself asking right after each break up. Besides a few ultra-rare exceptions, affairs don’t last forever. Most of them won’t last beyond a few months. Others will struggle to make it past a year. Affairs can be derailed for all manner of reasons. Sometimes, the passion and thrill of it just fizzle out. Other times, one partner gets cold feet and can’t deal with the constant threat of being exposed. As with everyday relationships, life can also get in the way. One partner might be forced to relocate to the other side of the country, rendering the question of continuing the affair a moot point.
Do Affairs Ever Start Up Again?
There’s a big stress factor attached to continuing an affair. When they do come to a close, those engaging in them can feel overwhelming relief. For people who’ve been caught out and forgiven by their partners, cheating in the future is a big no-no. However, a lot of people who cheat will do so again. As many as 80% of offenders will re-offend with someone else after being taken back by their other half.
Although there’s an undeniable surge of relief about not having to constantly lie to your spouse, having to say goodbye to an affair can be difficult. I still find myself thinking about people I’ve had on-the-side relationships with. If the affair was just what you needed at exactly the right time in your life, that glowing nostalgia remains with you forever. Some people find themselves pining for affair partners, years after the relationship came to an end. But can they be reignited again?
How Did the Affair End in the First Place?
If you’re dreaming about rekindling an affair with someone you’ve previously cheated with, look at how the relationship ended in the first place. If you were both caught in the act by a jealous spouse, the fallout might have been too great to entertain ever getting back together.
You might think you’re able to pull the wool over your other half’s eyes going forward, but there’s no guarantee that your affair partner feels the same. Whether or not they want to cheat is beside the point. They simply might not be prepared to risk the wrath of your spouse if the two of you are caught out again. If the affair’s discovery ended with a heated exchange and violence, the odds against it resuming are even lower.
If the affair ending was the result of one or both of you feeling too guilty to continue, there’s a better chance of reconnecting. If months or years have passed since then, you’re both going to be stronger, more well-rounded people. You’ll both have had time to think about what happened and consider your feelings. If there’s still a genuine attraction and emotional connection there, you should at least touch base and see if you still click into place.
Did one of you want more from the affair than the other? This happens. Often, one partner wants to talk about making a future, while the other is happy to keep things on the down low. If you’re still pining for that person years later, it’s worth checking in to see if there’s still a spark there.
Now, that other person might be more enthused about the prospect of a full-blown relationship with you. If you were the one who wanted to keep things casual, see what their vibe is like now. After years apart, the other person might have had their fill of headache-inducing relationships and be perfectly happy with a more casual relationship.
How to Reconnect With an Affair Partner
It’s all well and good to fantasize about reconnecting, but you’ll eventually need to make contact with your affair partner if you want to bring the relationship back to life. This can get a little tricky, depending on what your current situation is.
Are you still in the marriage or long-term relationship you were in when the affair happened? If the affair was discovered by your spouse, they’re probably going to be pretty alert about who you’re texting or chatting to on social media. Try and avoid Facebook stalking and sliding into someone’s DMs.
Instead, drop a text to the person you want to get back in touch with. Keep it short and sweet. Frame it as a casual hello, rather than anything more. If you get an engaged response, you can slowly start turning up the temperature before suggesting a meeting in person.
If they do agree to a meeting, put your best foot forward. I’d advise dressing to the nines in an attempt to impress them. This is going to look desperate and ruins any veneer that the meeting is a social one. Instead, play the situation as if you were meeting an old friend. You have to consider every front here.
For one, you don’t want to raise the suspicions of your other half. What’s more, you want to be able to save face and preserve your dignity if your affair partner tells you point-blank that a rekindling is not on the cards. Forget meeting over dinner or drinks and stick to a coffee date instead.
How to Get Closure
Those lingering feelings of love can be crippling. It doesn’t matter if the relationship was an adulterous one. Putting a relationship to bed and cutting someone out of your life can be painful, especially if it feels as though your hand was forced. However, achieving closure can help.
Ideally, you should have put up barriers as soon as the affair ended. If you haven’t, now’s the time to do so. The first thing you need to do is deal with your feelings. I’m not just talking about the love and attraction you might still feel for the other person. Instead, you also need to shoulder those feelings of guilt. It’s wince-inducing, but it has to be done. The good news is that this quickly turns into remorse, which is a far more useful feeling. When you feel remorseful, you can look at this more clearly.
It’s natural to hold onto a few mementos of a past relationship, even if it was an affair. However, this is a bad idea if you want to move beyond an adulterous relationship. For one thing, it can open old wounds if your spouse finds out. However, it’s more about you. Clutching to those little reminders is unhealthy and ensures you’ll never be able to move past the feelings you’re still harboring.
Do you still have the other person’s number in your contact list? Delete it. And when I say delete, I mean scrub all records of it, everywhere. Don’t jot it down on a sticky note and tuck it into the back of a desk drawer, just in case. On a very bad day when the feelings are too hard to push down, you’ll go and find them again.
Fighting the urge to contact them via social media is harder. After all, you can’t erase someone’s name from your brain. If you feel as though you’re likely to make contact via Twitter or Facebook in the future, think about removing yourself from social media entirely.
Feel like you need to talk to someone about what happened and how you’re feeling? Whatever you do, don’t confide in a friend. Even a best friend you’ve known all your life is a no-go. When someone cares about you, they’re far more likely to tell you what you want to hear. Even those people who pride themselves on their direct, no-nonsense style of support are out of the question. If you really need to talk it out, speak to a therapist instead.
Worried That Your Partner is Cheating Again?
There’s another person in this equation to consider. For many people who’ve been cheated on, the worry that their other half will get back to their old tricks can be crippling. While many relationships survive infidelity, they don’t emerge unscathed. It takes years of therapy and a commitment to change to restore trust.
Once a cheater, always a cheater. That’s what most people think when they know someone has played away, regardless of whether they’ve agreed to take them back. However, if you’re the wronged party and want your relationship to continue, you need to move beyond this line of thinking.
The reality is that a lot of unfaithful people will cheat again, especially if they were never caught out in the first place. However, it’s very unlikely that they’ll pick up where they left off with the same person. Instead of fixating on the idea that your spouse is going to get back with their previous affair partner, you need to be thinking in broad strokes.
Make your other half commit to change. This can be as simple as being more open and talking about their grievances, to agreeing to make significant changes to their day-to-day lives. If you’ve been cheated on and agree to take someone back, you have some leverage here. You don’t want to turn into a dictator at home, however. You can’t honestly expect someone to ditch their social circle or agree to a curfew to bring you peace of mind.
If you’re genuinely worried that your spouse is going to return to their adulterous ways, lay down the law. Tell them that if they cheat again, that’s it. Remind them that you’ll be giving them zero ground if they re-offend. If you’re married, you can even propose drafting a postnuptial agreement so that you benefit financially if your partner cheats again in the future. This may seem pretty aggressive, but you have the moral high ground in this situation. Don’t be afraid to stand on that hill.
However, don’t let paranoia and distrust destroy a relationship. Recovering from an affair takes work and is one of the most painful things you can go through emotionally. That being said, relationships that weather the storm and come out the other side are often stronger for it.
FAQs
How Often Do Affairs Start Up Again?
Affairs can restart for various reasons, but there isn’t a definitive frequency for how often this happens. The likelihood of an affair rekindling often depends on the underlying reasons for the affair in the first place, as well as the circumstances of both parties involved. If the root causes, such as emotional dissatisfaction or personal issues, haven’t been resolved, there’s a higher risk of the affair starting up again. This can also be influenced by the level of contact maintained between the individuals after the affair ends. If they remain in close proximity or contact, such as in a workplace setting, the chances may increase. Additionally, the emotional attachment formed during the affair can play a significant role. However, it’s important to note that every situation is unique, and the dynamics vary greatly depending on the individuals involved.
Do Affair Partners Ever Come Back?
Affair partners may come back, but this is not a certainty and varies significantly from case to case. The decision to return can be influenced by a variety of factors including emotional attachment, the nature of the relationship with their primary partner, and the circumstances under which the affair ended. In some cases, the end of an affair might be seen as a wake-up call, leading to a re-evaluation of priorities and decisions. However, it’s also possible that once an affair ends, the individuals involved move on without revisiting the relationship. The complexities of personal relationships and individual choices make it difficult to predict whether affair partners will reunite.
Do Affairs Ever Work Out?
The success of relationships that began as affairs is a contentious topic. While some affairs may transition into long-term, stable relationships, they often face significant challenges. These challenges include trust issues, as the relationship was founded on secrecy and betrayal. There’s also the stress of societal judgment and the impact on existing familial relationships, particularly if children are involved. Statistically, relationships that start as affairs have a lower success rate compared to relationships that start under other circumstances. This is partly due to the problematic foundations on which these relationships are built. However, success is subjective and varies depending on the individuals’ commitment to resolving underlying issues and building a healthy relationship.
How Long Do Affairs Last?
The duration of affairs can vary greatly, ranging from brief flings to long-term relationships that last for years. Many affairs are short-lived, often ending when the excitement fades or when the complications and risks become too significant. The nature of the affair, the depth of emotional involvement, and the circumstances of the individuals involved (such as their commitment to other relationships) play a crucial role in determining the affair’s lifespan. Some affairs may last only a few weeks or months, while others can continue for years, especially if they are well-concealed or if both parties are deeply emotionally involved.
How Long Do Affairs Last After They Are Discovered?
After an affair is discovered, its duration can vary based on several factors, including the reactions of the betrayed partner and the intentions of the individuals involved in the affair. Some affairs end immediately upon discovery, particularly if the discovery leads to a significant emotional fallout or a decision to recommit to the original relationship. In other cases, the affair may continue or even intensify, especially if the discovery leads to the end of the original relationship or if the affair partners feel more compelled to stay together. The aftermath of an affair’s discovery is often a period of intense emotion and decision-making, which can significantly impact the affair’s trajectory.
How Often Do Affair Partners Come Back?
The frequency with which affair partners come back to each other varies widely and is influenced by numerous personal and situational factors. Some individuals may return to their affair partners, driven by unresolved feelings or dissatisfaction with their current situation. In other cases, the end of the affair may be definitive, with no desire from either party to rekindle the relationship. The decision to return can be influenced by the depth of emotional connection, the reasons for the affair, the impact of the affair on their other relationships, and personal growth or changes in circumstances since the affair ended. As with many aspects of human relationships, there is no one-size-fits-all answer, and the dynamics are unique to each situation.
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