Why I Don’t Feel Guilty About Cheating
Why I don’t feel guilty about cheating is something that has troubled me for a while. I thought I was alone in this lack of emotions. But things changed the other day that made me appreciate I wasn’t alone. This blog gets a stack of daily emails and I don’t always get a chance to go through them all. But just yesterday I saw one titled ‘why don’t I feel guilty about cheating on my wife and children?‘
The reason it jumped off the screen is because I thought I was the only one. So how can someone cheat and not feel guilty I hear you ask. I’ve always said that I’m broken. I don’t advocate cheating, I advocating being careful to those who do. But strangely enough, as I read through this reader’s email, I couldn’t help but relate to each and every word he was saying.
He was going on about how he’d been cheating on his wife for so long that it was normal. He’d never been caught but he’s also never felt any guilt at all. It’s almost like he was devoid from that emotion and wanted to write in and try and better understand himself as to why he couldn’t feel guilt. I remember his specific question was:
Why don’t I feel guilty after cheating?
His hope was that I would reply with words of wisdom, that maybe I’d remind him of the pain he could cause, the fact that getting caught could break his family forever and that his future would seem bleak.
However I don’t think like that. I was in the exact same boat as he was. The idea that I would have answer for him was almost wishful thinking.
Sadly my reply was very brief:
When you find the answer let me know.
People like us who cheat, we lead these 2 separate lives. There’s our cheating life and then there’s our home life, and as long as the 2 planets never come near each other, we’re almost different people in each world. This is how I don’t feel guilty for cheating.
Why I Don’t Feel Guilty About Cheating
From the very beginning, I never felt guilty about cheating. I don’t feel remorse nor do I feel bad. There I finally admitted it, I cheated and don’t feel bad!
I cheated for the first time on my then girlfriend when I was 18 years old. I was so shocked and amazed that I was able to get one attractive girl let alone 2, it never occurred to me what I was doing was wrong. My emotions put me on such a high that I had little doubt that this was the way to live life. I blame all the mob movies I watched.
Having a new lover helped boost my confidence and self esteem and I’ve loved and chased that feeling ever since.
And whilst I got better at cheating, I also become better at covering it up. Cheating for me has always been about attention. The sex helps (of course), but the cheating has always been about the attention. I need it, I crave it, I almost can’t live without it.
And yet, whenever I read articles or listen to podcasts about infidelity, the conversation will always include words used about people like us: scum, dirtbags, sociopaths, etc, etc…
You get the picture. And whilst it’s easy to say that about people who cheat, I’m not sure that’s a fair assessment.
People cheat for many reasons. And I could talk to you all day about it and list those reasons here. But the truth is we are human, some of us are lost and cheating plainly makes people like me feel good.
I try and self reflect a lot. I try and analyze my behaviour a lot, not just about cheating but about all my behaviours. And when it comes to why I feel no guilt about cheating, I came up with some of the answers below. Whether they’re accurate or not, I’m not sure we’ll ever know, but it’s my analysis:
I Cheat But I’m Not A Cheater
In one of my earliest blogs on this site, I came to a conclusion that whilst I am someone who cheats (a lot), I’m not a cheater and that’s in large part because I’ve never been caught.
I said this to a podcast host just the other day and she said
‘what rubbish’.
Someone who runs is a runner. And whilst it didn’t come to me at the time, that’s actually not the case. If you were to go up to someone at the gym who runs for 10 minutes on the treadmill and ask if he/she is a runner – chances are they’ll say:
‘no I just run a bit, but I’m no runner.’
I don’t think I’m doing anything wrong
As fucked up as this sounds, I’m a great dad. I take good care of my wife and 3 kids and I’m the type of guy who does a very good job at splitting my family life from my extra circular activities.
Given I’m very careful and haven’t been caught out (yet, I hear you say) in a strange way I don’t feel guilty or think what I’m doing is wrong. I get my attention and pleasures elsewhere and it never ever eats into my family time. The relationships that I have with other women with whom I have cheated with, all know I’m married and know that there’s an end date to it all.
I’ll have a short-term affair and it’ll be over and on to the next. The trouble is of course, once you do the wrong thing once, it’s easier to do it again and again. And I’ve just gotten to this place in my life that having an affair or multiple affairs has just become the norm for me.
My Marriage
When I used to think about marriage, I would always picture these movies were the man is the centre of his wife’s eye. And when I got married, that may have been true – however, any attention I did get in the early days got less and less after each of my 3 children were born.
I got less and less attention at home and that was something I of course couldn’t discuss with my friends. It was the one thing that no one warned me about before I got married and had kids. That even though you have a family, the attention on the man / husband gets less, and even less whilst the children are growing up.
It sounds obvious. It is obvious, it’s just I had no warning from friends or family in this matter. It all came as a shock. It was time to decide how, where and with whom I was going to get that much needed attention from.
The First Ever Affair
The first time I chased someone outside of my marriage I was 30 and she was 22. She was hot stuff. A pilot in fact. And she knew I was married, and whilst she liked me fawning over, she kept saying that there was no chance. Yet I persisted. We’d chat all the time and we’d laugh all the time. Then one day, she succumb.
She had not long gotten out of a bad relationship and it was clear, I was to be the rebound guy. I couldn’t believe my ears. For one, she was wayyyy out of my league. Like substantially out of it. I kept making the amateur mistake and asking her what she saw in me. But it was clear, I had gotten into her head. And that’s all it takes.
We decided to meet the next day for an early morning walk and before we started I wanted to get the kiss out the way. As a way of almost formalising our new ‘thing‘. Whatever it was to be. We held hands and walked through the woods for hours. It was great. I was filled with excitement.
But a few days later, I was riddled with some guilt. I couldn’t stop thinking about my wife, I couldn’t stop thinking about our wedding day. Not long after, I was again with the pilot in a park and sort of started to explain to her how I was feeling guilty. She just stared at me without emotion. The sun was gleaming and she sat there looking drop dead gorgeous. I wasn’t sure if I was talking to her or just saying it to myself. We sat there in silence for a couple of minutes before I jumped her.
I couldn’t help myself. My excitement was trumping my guilt and I just wanted to kiss her some more.
I loved how she smelt and I just wanted to sit beside her soaking it all in. She was so young and just perfect in all the right places.
To her it felt like a game. Almost getting it off the check list, getting with a married guy. But what she loved about our thing was the no baggage thing. The freedom of it all.
Affair
It never started off as an affair. Initially I thought after having sex it would all be over. Because of how young she was, and how exciting this all was, I was clearly more into her than she was into me. And so after the first night together, I kept it going. It went from an ONS to a fling. We never quite got to the affair bit, but it was most definitely a torrid fling.
We never went out for coffee, lunch or dinner. It was either walks or hotel visits. Both of which were great. She put a smile on my face and I couldn’t shift it.
Deep down, I really didn’t want it to end. But she didn’t care either way. And unfortunately I knew she was pulling back. Her ex kept messaging her and deep down I respected the fact that she missed him.
It ended with us staying friends for a few months but even that fizzled out.
No Guilt – Do Cheaters Feel Guilty?
I’ve cheated for so long, long before I was married, that I knew I wouldn’t feel guilty. But after I got married, the very first hookup – I did feel a small degree of cheating guilt, one might call it a ‘guilty affair‘. Of course the guilt after cheating didn’t last long. I think what made is easier was that this particular girl was highly intelligent. She’d graduated from Oxford and wanted our ‘thing’ to last for a bit.
She went out of her way to never ever ask about my wife, which is highly unusual in the affair game. In fact most women I’ve cheated with want to know every possible thing about my wife. They’re just curious.
But the pilot didn’t want to know a thing. Even on occasion when I had to cancel at the last minute because of something to do with my wife, she was cool about it and never asked any questions.
Why I don’t feel guilty for cheating?
Since that affair, I’ve never felt an ounce of guilt. And for that reason, I feel I’m broken. I mean the truth is whilst I cheat, I also betray. I’m betraying my wife and kids every time I step out on them. And despite knowing this and the consequences, I don’t feel bad. Not even in the slightest. I sometimes wonder what they would think of me if they knew I felt no guilt after cheating.
Since starting this blog, I’ve also been featured on plenty of other sites. I’ve been praised, hailed and of course attacked. I’ve been called a sociapath, a narcissist and someone with a personality disorder.
I kinda knew what they all meant. But I started to dig deeper. I mean clearly there is something wrong with me. Why don’t I feel bad for cheating? On a recent podcast, I was asked by the host where I draw the line – he went so far as to ask if I would shoplift, to try and work out where that line was.
And no, of course I wouldn’t do anything illegal. But the more I looked inside, the more I realised is that I had mastered the art of disassociation. I had mastered how to compartmentalise my feelings. I don’t feel bad for cheating, so one might say that not feeling guilty after cheating was my superpower!
Conclusion
Cheating is so wrong. I get that I do it, but it’s wrong. And if you are reading this right now having cheated and happen to feel some guilt or have signs of cheaters guilt, it tells me you are a good person. However it’s important to remember don’t let the guilt consume you to the point of where you confess. Because that would be the worst thing that you could ever do.
FAQ’s
What’s the Mental Gymnastics Behind Cheating Without the Guilt Trip?
It’s like having your cake and eating it too. Some folks cheat due to emotional hunger or craving adventure, without the side dish of guilt. It’s a psychological buffet where traditional morals are off the menu. Coming to terms with telling yourself that “I cheated and I don’t feel bad” isn’t easy at first, but it’s better than asking yourself “why do I not feel guilty for cheating?”
Is Society’s Side-Eye on Cheating Making Us Feel Naughty or Not?
Society’s glare on infidelity is like a strict parent. If you’re raised with the ‘cheating is bad‘ mantra, you’re likely to feel like a cat caught with the canary. But in more ‘love the one you’re with’ cultures, guilt might just be a skipped course.
Do Open Relationships Take the ‘Cheat’ out of Cheating?
Open relationships are like customizing your relationship rules. It’s cheating’s kryptonite – if everyone agrees on seeing others, then it’s less sneaky affair, more like a personal relationship remix.
How Does Emotional Ghosting Lead to Guilt-Free Cheating?
When you’re emotionally MIA in a relationship, cheating can feel like switching channels rather than breaking trust. The guilt usually needs emotional fuel, and without it, it’s just not that into you.
Do Men and Women Get Different Guilt Goodie Bags Post-Cheating?
Absolutely. Men might get a slap on the back, while women get a slap on the wrist – thank you, societal norms! It’s like a guilt party where everyone gets a different goody bag based on gender.
How Do Our Own Moral Compasses Navigate the Cheating Waters?
Our moral compasses can be like GPS devices with different settings. If you’re set to ‘traditional values’, cheating feels like driving off a cliff. But on ‘relativistic mode’, it’s more like taking a scenic detour.
What’s the Emotional Aftertaste of Guilt-Free Cheating?
Cheating without guilt can leave a complex aftertaste. Think commitment phobia, emotional allergies, and trust issues. It’s like dining and dashing on emotional responsibilities – might feel fun at first, but leaves a mess behind.
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