How To Deal With An Affair Breakup? The Ultimate Guide

Up until now, I’ve tried to keep this blog upbeat, funny and lively. But the truth is, affair partners losing interest, affairs ending and coping with those breakups is a big part of cheating.  If you’re reading this very article, you’re probably going through a breakup and have turned to google for ways of coping.

Let me just start by saying ‘I hear you!’ 

Whether you’re a man or a woman, the emotional pain of breakups are truly awful. Before I write any piece for this site, I always google my title just to see what information is out there. And as usual, half if not all of the articles on page 1 are utter garbage.  I wrote an article not long ago titled Even Cheaters Feel The Pain Of  Break Ups,  and that’s because at that time, I was going through the worst breakup ever.

Remember to check out our blog on how to know when it’s time to breakup with someone.

I had the most amazing affair going, and for the first time in my ten year marriage, actually considered running away with my affair partner. We were both desperately in love. Of course it all started with this innocent crush but developed to something bigger than either of us could handle. 

I would wake up to the usual ‘morning babe’ message, followed by a phone call after I’d drop my kids off to school, followed by plenty of loving messages throughout the day, most of which sounded like ‘got nothing to say, was just thinking about you’. And of course neither her or I could go to bed without texting each other ‘night babe x’

We even had our own song, and given my latest affair ended only last year,  our song was the popular track Peaches by Justin Bieber. And whenever either of us would stumble upon a DJ remix of the song on Insta, we always sent it to each other. 

We were totally in love. And when it ended, which like all great things can happen,  I was crushed. 

I felt totally empty. I was lost. I was gutted. I was broken. I felt all alone. I felt like I was back in high school and it was my very first breakup. And despite being a serial cheater for over ten years, if not longer, I couldn’t legislate my feelings and being crushed was tough. 

To make matters worse, I had to keep a straight face at work and continue to run my company and I had to go home and deal with my own family without anyone knowing that a part of me inside had completely died. 

I missed being with that person. I missed the messages, the warmth, the way she made me feel, the love, I missed it all.  And every time I thought I’d gotten over her, I’d be driving along happy with my life, that darned song Peaches would play on the radio and I’d be miserable all over again. 

So if you’ve gotten this far, and anything I’m saying above resonates with you, then believe me when I tell you, I hear you!  

Now I’m no dummy. Very soon after this love affair was over, I tried everything. I went from missing her to hating her and every emotion in between. The intelligent part of me realised that I was grieving an amazing relationship, whilst the emotional part of me just wanted to call her up and cry! 

I even turned to Google for advice, however the sites I found give you these step by step guides on things you should consciously to get over your affair partner, but they’re all rubbish and clearly written by either cold hearted motherfuckers or paid writers who imagined what it’s like vs have actually been in that position.

But to be in it, to have it and to lose it, really knocks the wind out of you. 

I tried everything, but quickly realised that there wasn’t an instant fix. Or at least for me there wasn’t.  I exercised, I spoke to my closest friends, I had plenty of flings and one night stands – but the pain just didn’t go away. My breakup had very simply taken away my confidence and I felt reduced. I was mostly angry at myself that I had allowed someone into my life and my heart that would ultimately shatter it into a million pieces. 

And here was the kicker, my last bad breakup was with a massive Instagram influencer. Someone who had over 100k followers. And whilst I’d blocked her from every channel, it was only natural that other people shared her videos which inevitably ended up on my feed. It was like there was no getting away from her. And seeing her happy and with her husband all smiling and dancing just made matters worse. 

So trust me, I hear you. 

It didn’t help that when I spoke to my friends who didn’t play away from home or were single would say things like; 

Jesus buddy get over it. You’re married with kids. You have everything in your life I want. 

They just didn’t get it!! They were a completely unsympathetic audience. And let’s be fair, you can’t exactly broadcast the breakup to your family and all your friends because loose lips sink ships. 

If you’re still with me, and you’re still reading, then you’ll relate to each of the words I’m saying. 

How to stop thinking about your affair partner

I’d love to tell you I have the magic fix, I don’t. Cos if I did, I wouldn’t have lost the last few months thinking about her, and knowing she’d probably have forgotten about me altogether. No, I don’t have the instant fix. 

All I can do is share what has helped me, share with you what has eased the pain, and share with you how I eventually got over her and the breakup. 

1. Exercise. Whilst at the time it didn’t feel like it was helping, going to the gym, cycling and boxing was very therapeutic. They say motion creates emotion and it really does get you out of a funk. For me, I train with a couple of friends and have done since lockdown. I’m not the type of guy that lets my friends down ever, and they’re the type of friends who would let me miss workout sessions, despite whatever the latest dramas in my life were. Exercising kept me looking good, kept my focus in check and most of all really did help me seeat away the jealousy and anger I had towards her. Most of which stemmed from having a bruised ego. 
2. Meditating. I’ve been meditating for a while and it truly helps. There are so many amazing videos and below is one I’ve done for a while.  It wasn’t a fix, it didn’t take away the pain, it didn’t help me forget about her but without it I feel I would have been broken. State management is so important and affair or no affair I was still a CEO, a husband and a dad. And I know that without meditation I would have taken so much out on either my staff or my family – which Wasn’t fair on anyone 
3. Reading – I’ve always been a big reader but reading books like xyz kept my brain in check. It distracted me from thinking about her and filled my brain with knowledge. 
4. Clothes. The beauty about exercising, is that invariably you lose weight. And when you lose weight, most of your existing clothes will stop fitting you. I really did enjoy buying some new clothes. It helped me look better, which definitely increased my confidence.
5. Comedies on TV. Nothing beats taking your mind of stuff than avoiding it altogether. I found that out of all the crap that was on Netflix, the Stand Up Comedy portion of it worked best. It had me in stitches most of the time, and the beauty about great comedians, is even with utterly tragic events, they had this ability to make light of it all and put things firmly back into perspective.
6. Time. I know it’s cliche, but time is a big healer. I do discuss this a little bit more in detail below.

Things I Wish I Hadn’t Done To Try And Ease The Pain Of A Breakup 

The trouble is there’s a bunch of things I did thinking it would help ease the pain, and it really didn’t. 

1. I continued to follow her from another account on Instagram. I’d watch all her videos and stories. I don’t know why I did, but it became almost excessive. Nothing good came from it, other than I wish I was still with her. Seeing her happy and with her family, literally made my feel like shit. 
2. Talk to my single friends. I have a few friends who are either divorced and single – and for some reason I thought they’d be a sympathetic ear. I couldn’t have been more wrong. They literally just could not relate. Not even in the slightest. They’d look at my life and see a family man with a business and they’d keep wondering what was wrong with me. They didn’t want to know about the side chick ending, as long as everything was ok on the home front. 
3. After a few months, I got back in touch with my ex suggesting we be friends. Obviously I didn’t want to be friends, I was hoping that through a friendship I could win her back. But of course within a couple of days, we’d be back to arguing and it was a stupid idea to begin with. She saw straight through my idiotic strategy and it just made things substantially worse. 

Mental Health – What I Wish I Would Have Done

This situation, this breakup totally destroyed me and having to play the happy boss and family man to boot was making things even harder. There was no doubt that my mental health was taking a hit like never before. I couldn’t turn to my friends, I obviously couldn’t talk to my wife – there was just no way of dealing with this. It turned out there was even a term out there for all of this; breakup depression. 

What I wish I would have done was talk to a therapist. A trained professional who wouldn’t judge me – and would help ease the burden of carrying this secret around. It would have made things substantially easier and after starting this blog – I’ve spoken to quite a few people who did just that and felt so much better for it. It sped up the timeline of getting over things and if I ever find myself in a situation like this before, then it’ll be my first and only port of call. 

There are so many discreet therapists who work over Zoom and are fully trained in helping people get over breakups. There was a time where seeing a therapist was considered Taboo, but in this day and age, it’s become something very normal to do. And it’s something I wish I would have considered at the time. 

How Long Does It Take To Get Over An Affair Partner

Now this is going to sound so cliche. And if you’ve gotten this far and really are in pain, you’re absolutely going to hate this answer and will want to scream at your computer. But it’s time.

Time is an incredible healer. Whilst a lot of the above things truly helped keep me sane, it didn’t take away the pain and anguish. That feeling of being empty and almost grieving didn’t go from exercise or clothes or chatting to my friends. But time is what took me to a place of feeling indifferent about her,  it took me to a place where I don’t miss her and nor do I hate her. It took me to a place of not hating all women and wanting to give up affairs. 

In addition to this, I spent much more time being attentive to my wife and children. This particular breakup gave me a sense of perspective and gave me back an attitude of gratitude, for having a beautiful family, with whom I just wasn’t fully present with. I became immersed with all of them again and truly realised that whilst I do what I do on the side, I’m blessed to have them in my life. And as long as that part of my life remains discreet, then I will never hurt them. 

If you are reading this article, I do hear you, truly. And get in touch with me and I’m happy to be a sounding board as well as introduce you to the right therapists. I’ve been there plenty of times before and I have no doubt that I’ll be there again. I just feel the next time it happens, I’ll be so much better equipped at dealing with the next breakup.  

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