What is Emotional Cheating?

Most of us tend to consider cheating as something that involves physical intimacy outside of a primary relationship. However, emotional cheating can be just as damaging for a long-term relationship or marriage. If you’re someone looking to cheat on your wife or husband, you’ll need to know how to spot the signs of emotional cheating so you can cover your tracks. It only takes your other half to spot a few telltale signs of emotional infidelity to sniff out bigger clues that you’re having an affair.

Emotional cheating is a pretty complex issue. It can involve everything from establishing an emotional connection with someone who isn’t your spouse, to maintaining emotional affairs that can turn into a full-blown romantic relationship. Need some help making sense of what emotional cheating actually is? Our guide breaks down all the information you need to know.

What Is Emotional Cheating

In simple terms, emotional cheating involves one individual developing an emotional connection with someone else outside of a committed relationship. It can involve everything from offering emotional support to someone other than a primary partner, right through to more significant acts that might lead to sexual tension.

However, emotional cheating doesn’t always lead to physical affairs and guilty parties acting on sexual attraction. In fact, many people in a healthy romantic relationship consider emotional cheating a minor indiscretion that isn’t particularly serious.

That being said, emotional intimacy is a key part of healthy relationships. It’s something you share with romantic partners. The key difference between emotional intimacy and emotional cheating is that there’s always the chance the wronged partner can feel hurt and short-changed. If your other half feels as though your emotional bond with someone else is stronger than the one you share with them, expect relationship troubles and difficult questions.

Even if you’re pretty solid in your primary relationship, you’ll still need to get your head around emotional cheating. If your other half has a thin skin or is always looking for signs of infidelity, the most minor of indiscretions can land you in hot water. If they think you’re guilty of emotional cheating, the fallout can be more significant than if they’d walked in on you having sex with a complete stranger.

What Counts as Emotional Infidelity?

What is emotional cheating? There are no clear guidelines about what counts as emotional cheating. If your spouse has low self-esteem, simply offering emotional support to someone else could cause trouble.

However, there’s a clear line between emotional investment outside of an actual relationship and emotional cheating. Are you going out of your way to hide information or conceal your feelings from your partner? Sometimes, this can count as a lack of emotional closeness. However, if you’re actively sharing information with someone outside of your relationship, you’re straying into emotional cheating territory.

Are you intentionally cutting your partner out of some aspects of your life? This can include avoiding inviting them to work events or social gatherings. This lack of emotional attachment is a hallmark of unhealthy relationships. However, if you’re choosing to socialize with someone other than your partner, it’s also a sign that you’re maintaining an emotional relationship with someone else.

Physical cheating isn’t the same as emotional cheating. You may have sexual feelings toward a co-worker or acquaintance but have yet to act on those feelings. Nonetheless, nonsexual intimacy can be just as problematic for a relationship. Even physical closeness can start you down a slippery slope toward something more serious.

If your interactions with other people are affecting your primary relationship, you may be guilty of emotional cheating. If your other half is simply angry that you’re not spending time with them, the issue probably lies with them. However, if you’re outwardly flirting or going above and beyond with compliments, you may want to rethink your behavior.

Although sex isn’t part of the package with an emotional relationship, it can be just as damaging as a physical affair if it’s found out. If your partner has a thin skin or thinks you’re keeping things back from them, knowing that you’re emotionally invested in someone else can cause all manner of hell.

Do Friendships Count as Emotional Cheating?

This is an understandable question, especially if your social circle includes members of the opposite sex. However, you’re not emotionally cheating just because you’re engaging with people other than your romantic partner.

However, there’s a difference between being open and upfront with a close friend and carrying out emotional infidelity behind your spouse’s back. If you’re keeping your friends secret from your other half, particularly if they’re of the opposite sex, this could be a sign that you’re crossing boundaries into emotional cheating territory.

If a particular friendship evolves behind the limits of any other relationship in your life, there’s a chance it could be seen as an emotional affair. It’s okay to discuss grievances you’re having with your spouse with a close friend. However, if you’re constantly complaining and sharing private details, things aren’t as clear-cut as a platonic friendship.

Sometimes, there may be sexual tension undercutting a friendship. Just because you’re not acting on this with physical contact, doesn’t mean you’re not aware of it. If you’re actively continuing a relationship because you enjoy the thrill of this connection with someone else, you’re probably pursuing an emotional affair.

Another telltale sign that you’re looking for something more serious is if you’re keeping certain friendships a secret. Even if your other half knows about a particular friend, you may find yourself downplaying the emotional connection to throw your spouse off the scent.

Is an Emotional Affair the Same As Micro Cheating?

As with emotional cheating, micro-cheating is often considered a low-key form of infidelity. Generally speaking, it involves small acts of inappropriate behavior that you wouldn’t normally engage with if you were in a healthy relationship.

Just about everyone is guilty of micro-cheating at some point. However, there’s a big difference between giving an occasional compliment or engaging in minor flirting and making a habit of it. If you notice an emotional connection with someone, micro-cheating can be used as a tool to increase sexual tension and drive things forward. Many people use micro-cheating as a way to test the waters with a potential hookup.

Many times, micro-cheating behaviors are done in full view of someone’s spouse. However, if you’re dealing with a suspicious spouse with low self-esteem, you’ll want to limit these kinds of interactions.

Are You Guilty of Emotionally Cheating?

Unlike micro-cheating, emotional affairs go both ways. Furthermore, they usually evolve into something more serious. Worried you might be guilty of emotional cheating? There are plenty of things you can look out for to keep your behavior in check or up your guard to prevent your spouse from catching onto your antics.

Do you find yourself counting down the hours until you can secure some alone time with another person outside of your primary relationship? This is a strong indicator that your relationship has boiled over into emotional infidelity territory. Do you think that the target of your affections has a stronger connection with you than your spouse does? Feeling like you’re more emotionally connected with someone other than your spouse is another sign of a developing emotional relationship.

If a strong enough bond develops, you’ll also find yourself limiting the amount of time you’re spending with your actual partner. Sometimes, this is easy enough to excuse. You can use work, social gatherings, or trips to the gym as solid alibis, of course whatever you do, don’t use the gym to chat to or pickup women. 

Are you going out of your way to impress someone outside of your main relationship? This can include upping your game when it comes to your appearance or investing in gifts for someone you’re interested in. These don’t have to be expensive purchases. The act alone is evidence enough that your friendship has real emotional energy.

Is Your Spouse an Emotional Cheat?

Knowing how to cover your tracks is all well and good if you’re looking to conceal your own emotional infidelity. However, this doesn’t make it any easier to spot the signs of emotional infidelity in your spouse.

Are you worried that your other half has emotionally cheated? There are a few different behaviors to look out for to determine whether or not they’ve crossed appropriate boundaries with someone else.

Is your spouse drawing away from you? Are they spending less time at home or heading out more regularly to meet with friends? Unless you can cross-reference their alibis, take these as signs they might be engaging in an emotional affair.

If your partner has previously been pretty open but has since clammed up, this is another sign that they’re getting emotional support from someone else. Did your other half previously complain about their friendship circle or work life? If they’ve suddenly gone mute, they’re probably sounding off with someone new. Sometimes, this may be as innocent as they’ve found a new friend who’s a good listener. However, you should always view this kind of radio silence with suspicion.

More obvious behaviors will give the game away, especially if you’ve met the other person you think they may be emotionally cheating with. Are they expressing micro-cheating behaviors in front of you? Are they incredibly defensive when you call them out on these interactions? Generally speaking, an innocent exchange will be laughed off and dismissed. If they get angry when defending their behavior, they’re likely covering for something.

What Causes Emotional Cheating? Are Emotional Connections Real?

Emotional cheating is a complex topic and there are usually many reasons why an emotional affair starts. In the vast majority of cases, an emotional affair happens accidentally. Unlike physical affairs built on sexual encounters, emotional connections just happen. They evolve from friendships and simmer over into something more serious. Just a single encounter and in-depth discussion are all it takes to transform an innocent relationship into an emotionally-charged affair.

A lot of the root causes behind emotional cheating are the same as physical affairs. Most people who engage in emotional cheating aren’t completely fulfilled by their primary relationships. This doesn’t necessarily have anything to do with the physical side of a relationship, so don’t assume your sex life isn’t second-rate if you or your partner are pursuing an emotional connection with someone else.

Although the prospect of sex usually isn’t a factor in emotional affairs, many people still thrive on the feeling of excitement and secrecy. Many times, more innocent factors are involved. One partner may feel as though they’re not getting enough validation at home. Perhaps casual affection is lacking in a relationship. An emotional cheat won’t be looking for physical contact outside of a relationship, but the emotional connection they form with someone else can help fill in the blanks they feel are lacking.

Do Emotional Affairs Always Turn Physical Or Into A Relationship?

If left unchecked, a significant number of emotional affairs have the potential to turn into full-blown physical infidelity. In fact, some experts say as many as 70% of emotional affairs result in physical intimacy.

Why does this happen? There are several reasons why emotional affairs can easily lead to sex. Emotional affairs are pretty complex and can blur the lines between what is and what isn’t acceptable. In the early days of an emotional affair, exchanges seem innocent enough. As emotional connections continue and feelings develop, that guideline of acceptability never changes.

Eventually, interactions can become more loaded. What started as an emotional connection based on conversation can suddenly take on a physical aspect. What’s more, as feelings develop, it’s easy to dismiss increasing sexual tension and what we’d normally consider outright cheating.

If an existing rift between you and your partner has widened, there’s even more reason to act on blossoming feelings with someone else. After all, why would you want to dismiss the idea of physical intimacy with someone new if you’re not getting any at home? Even if you’ve entered into things with a clear mind, your level of self-awareness can falter as you get deeper and deeper into an emotional affair.

Should I Admit to Emotional Cheating? Do We Need Marriage Therapy?

This is a tricky one to answer. If you’re worried that the person you’re emotionally cheating with is more invested in the relationship than you are, it may be worth bringing up the issue with your spouse.

Sometimes, it’s fairly easy to put the brakes on an emotional connection with someone outside of your main relationship. However, if they’re more invested in the connection than you are, this isn’t always possible. In this situation, it’s best to preempt any fallout and hold your hands up.

However, approach with caution. Admitting to your partner that you’ve struck up an emotional connection with someone else can prove incredibly hurtful to them. It might not put an end to your relationship, but it can cause fractures that will never heal. Even innocent friendships will be viewed with suspicion. If you admit to emotional infidelity, you can say goodbye to being able to enjoy anything close to a social life.

Ultimately, your best bet is to be as upfront and honest as possible. If there’s a risk that the person you were emotionally cheating with will contact your spouse, don’t attempt to sugarcoat the situation. You don’t have to admit to every last comment you made against your spouse, but going over the cliff notes is a good way of covering all bases.

Furthermore, don’t put the blame solely on your partner. If you emotionally cheated because you felt like things were lacking at home, it’s okay to bring this into the conversation. However, your goal here is to be honest. You’re holding your hands up and being accountable.

Sometimes, it’s not a great idea to enter into this discussion unaided. Some couples benefit from having a therapist sit in on the conversation. The average marriage counselor or relationship expert will have plenty of experience with emotional infidelity. They can help frame the discussion, pointing out how emotional cheating is a far cry from physical infidelity. Most of the time, having a third party to mediate things will keep things on track. Sometimes, it’s even best to consult an expert privately, before bringing your partner into the conversation.

Is Your Spouse Guilty of Emotional Cheating?

This can be harder to manage. Sometimes, you might not even be completely convinced that anything untoward is actually going on. The best advice is to approach things casually and avoid outright confrontation.

Take a step back and observe what’s going on. Have you noticed that your spouse has become distant? Have they scaled things back sexually? Raise your concerns gently and, once you’ve got the ball rolling, start bringing up your concerns that emotional infidelity is behind it. Avoid singling out particular people. If you target someone you think they’ve been emotionally engaged with, they’re likely to clam up and find an excuse to back out of the conversation.

Let your spouse know how the situation is making you feel. Let me know what you need to change in order for things to get back on track. Most of the time, this is all that’s needed to resolve the issue. Once a partner has been found out, they’ll pull back from emotional cheating and refocus their attention on you.

How to Stop an Emotional Affair

Are you guilty of having an emotional affair? Sometimes, there’s a good reason for pursuing connections outside of a marriage or relationship. However, if you’re worried about where an emotional connection is headed, it may be time to break things off.

You’ll need to ask yourselves some hard truths before deciding on a course of action. Are you pursuing an emotional affair because you’re looking for a cheap thrill? Perhaps you’re simply enjoying the attention of someone who isn’t your spouse. If you’ve started up an emotional affair with someone else because your relationship is lacking in intimacy, you may decide that it’s your spouse who needs to be shown the door.

Sometimes, people pursue emotional affairs with the sole intention of taking things further. If you’re actively looking for sex outside of your marriage or primary relationship, an emotional affair might not be the best way to get things started. It’s complicated and messy (the break-ups are awful) and, if things get deep enough, can cause greater fallout. If you’re simply looking for no-strings sex, there are far better ways to fulfill your desires, like dating websites that are exclusively for affairs.

Stepping back from an emotional affair isn’t always easy. If you’ve struck up a relationship with a close friend or co-worker, it can be tricky to cut this person out of your life entirely. If you’ve been emotionally cheating with a colleague, consider asking to transfer to a new department. If it’s a friendship that’s boiled over into something more serious, you may have to cut ties with that person entirely.

Damage Control

Many emotional affairs come to a boil before they can be snuffed out. If your spouse uncovers your emotional infidelity, this doesn’t have to be the end of your relationship. In fact, a solid relationship can weather the aftereffects of an emotional affair surprisingly well.

Once you’ve been found out, make sure you’re open and upfront when being questioned by your partner. Transparency is the key here. You may want to avoid admitting the most hurtful truths, but don’t be too economical with the truth.

Even if no physical intimacy occurred, emotional cheating is going to damage trust in any relationship. As such, you’ll need to work overtime to rebuild trust with your spouse. You can let them lead the discussion here. Being accountable is important, but if you find your spouse is asking too much, you may want to reconsider your future with your other half. If you’ve pursued an emotional connection with someone outside of the home for big enough reasons, now might be the time to cut your losses and retreat to singledom.

If you’re thinking about cheating again, be it emotionally or physically, give yourself some breathing room before playing away in the future. Reconsider what you’re actually looking for. If it’s sex you’re after, distance yourself from micro-cheating behaviors and emotional connections with new people. If you’re testing the waters to find a new partner, just make sure you’re picking a target who’s far removed from your home life and social circles.

FAQs

• What is emotional cheating? Emotional cheating occurs when a person forms a close, intimate bond with someone outside their relationship, sharing emotional support and personal thoughts or feelings, which undermines the emotional connection with their partner. This type of infidelity might not involve physical acts but can be just as damaging to a relationship, involving secrecy, emotional intimacy, and sometimes even sexual tension with someone other than the partner.
• How can I tell if I’m emotionally cheating? You might be emotionally cheating if you find yourself hiding conversations with someone else from your partner, prioritizing another person’s company or communication over your partner’s, or sharing thoughts and feelings with someone else that you’re not sharing with your partner. It often starts with seeking emotional fulfillment outside your primary relationship, which can be a sign that your needs aren’t being met at home.
• What are the signs of emotional cheating in a partner? Signs of emotional cheating in a partner include increased secrecy around their phone or online activities, mentioning a specific person frequently, becoming less emotionally available, and withdrawing from intimacy with you. They may also show defensiveness when the topic of their friend or colleague is brought up or decrease in sharing their thoughts and feelings with you.
• Why do people emotionally cheat? People emotionally cheat for various reasons, including feeling emotionally dissatisfied in their current relationship, seeking validation or attention they feel they’re not receiving from their partner, or connecting with someone who shares similar interests or problems. It often reflects underlying issues within the relationship or individual insecurities, not necessarily a lack of love for their partner.
• Can a relationship survive emotional cheating? Yes, a relationship can survive emotional cheating, but it requires effort from both partners. The person who committed the infidelity needs to cut ties with the other party and both partners should engage in open, honest communication to address the underlying issues. Counseling can be beneficial in helping both partners understand the emotional betrayal, rebuild trust, and strengthen their relationship.
• How do we rebuild trust after emotional cheating? Rebuilding trust after emotional cheating involves transparency, communication, and patience. The partner who cheated must be willing to share information and reassurances to rebuild the broken trust. Both partners should work on understanding what led to the emotional infidelity and take steps to address these issues. Professional counseling is often recommended to guide couples through the healing process and establish healthier communication patterns.
• What should I do if I can’t stop emotionally cheating? If you find yourself repeatedly drawn to emotionally cheat, it may indicate deeper issues within yourself or your relationship that need to be addressed. It’s crucial to reflect on the reasons behind your actions and consider seeking individual counseling. A professional can help you understand your emotional needs and patterns of behavior, and work on strategies to fulfill these needs within your relationship rather than seeking emotional intimacy elsewhere. Counseling can also offer insights on how to improve your relationship’s emotional connection, ensuring both you and your partner feel valued and understood.