How to Keep Your Affair a Secret from Your Husband
Not everyone who enters into an affair does so because they’re unhappy with their marriage. Sometimes, women begin affairs simply because they know their husband isn’t ever going to give them everything they need at home. That being said, any type of infidelity carries a massive risk. A short-term fling can scratch a seven-year itch, but if you’re caught out, you can destroy a marriage.
Some women bring affairs to an end prematurely, unable to deal with the pressures of keeping their extramarital relationships a secret. However, others simply up their game and work overtime to keep their infidelity a secret.
Whatever’s caused you to consider cheating or already embark on an affair, you need to start thinking seriously about keeping your indiscretions on the down low. In need of a few pointers?
Our guide explains everything you should be doing to safeguard your marriage against the inevitable implosion that will happen if your husband uncovers what you’re doing.
How to Keep Your Affair a Secret from Your Husband
Some women keep their affairs a secret because they want them to continue indefinitely. Others might feel trapped and want to protect their husband from the emotional turmoil of finding out they’ve been betrayed. Whatever your reason for wanting to keep things hush-hush, you need to be committed to the ruse.
The Importance of Establishing Boundaries
An affair can be a reinvigorating and sexually liberating experience. However, you need to set clear boundaries to prevent your infidelity from getting found out. Establishing boundaries can seem like it’s taking the fun out of things, but you won’t be able to reap any of the benefits of infidelity without them.
If you haven’t started an affair yet, you can more effectively prevent it from being uncovered down the line. For starters, think seriously about who’s fair game when it comes to affair partners. For peace of mind, avoid getting involved with someone who’s already close to you. This rules out anyone from your husband’s social circle or extended family. Likewise, you’ll need to dismiss any notion of getting involved with a co-worker or acquaintance from your own friendship group.
Sadly, too many people end up embroiled in affairs with people they already know. Opportunistic affairs tend to get started after a drunken exchange or a platonic friendship that’s evolved into something else. It’s also easy to put people we already know on a pedestal, turning them into idealized versions of themselves in our heads. Instead, cast the net wide and think about seeking out a stranger instead. You can always pick someone up at a bar, but you’re playing with fire there. A far simpler approach is to turn to the world of online dating apps for married people.
Using popular platforms like Tinder is a no-go. Too many people use them and there’s a strong chance a casual acquaintance is going to see your profile and start asking questions. Turn to a dedicated platform for married people instead. Here, everyone’s in the same boat and looking for the same thing. There are privacy features to safeguard your identity. What’s more, discretion is an unspoken rule.
Once you’ve found someone to have an affair with, you need to be clear with them about what’s acceptable in the relationship. You may only be interested in a relationship anchored on sex. You might decide that you’re open to a more involved emotional relationship. Make sure the other person is on the same page. You don’t want a situation where your affair partner starts putting more stock into the relationship than you have. If they decide that they’re fallen in love with you and want to make a go of things full-time, you’ll have to contend with that, as well as keep your infidelity secret from your husband.
If you’re lucky enough to have found someone who’s on the level, you still need to set boundaries. Make clear how they can get in contact with you. It’s a good idea to only use text to communicate with an affair partner. It’s also worth agreeing to set times for communication. If you’re only accepting incoming calls or messages during office hours, it’s far easier to hide suspicious behavior from your husband.
Some affairs are conducted solely in hotel rooms. However, there will be times when the two of you will be out and about together. You might have agreed to dinner and drinks two towns over. However, you could even be returning to your cars after a mid-afternoon tryst at a motel. No matter how far away from your hometown you are, there’s always a slight chance you’ll be spotted by someone who knows you. As such, it makes sense to limit physical contact when you’re out in public.
Maintaining Discretion
An affair can be thrilling, but you need to moderate yourself. Even if you’re getting emotionally closer to your affair partner, you need to approach your interactions differently than you would with a boyfriend or spouse. Avoid taking photos or documenting your shared experiences. This means being meticulous with social media usage. If you’re someone who regularly posts Facebook updates and pins their location, it’s worth disabling automatic app features so you’re not giving the game away. Your social media shadow can cause you big problems down the line if you’ve accidentally uploaded content that contradicts a well-planted alibi.
Many women struggle to deal with the emotional weight of conducting an affair. If you’re feeling guilty because of your actions, resist the urge to speak with friends or family about it. You might trust a sister or long-time friend implicitly, but there’s no guarantee they’ll be able to keep your secret from your husband. They might take the moral high ground and instantly side with your husband as the betrayed party. Alternatively, they could end up riddled with guilt themselves, resulting in them spilling the beans at the worst possible moment. If you need to talk, do it anonymously. Turn to online message boards to chew the fat with other cheaters. Failing that, think about pursuing therapy.
Your affair partner needs to be discreet. You’ll have a clear idea of how much they committed to this early on. You should have each laid down clear ground rules before taking the plunge. However, look for telltale signs that they might have loose lips as time goes on. Are they forgetting themselves in public and being a little too careless with displays of affection? Have they started talking about long-term goals and the possibility of something more in the future?
This would suggest they’ve started to see the affair as something more than it is. If you want the affair to continue, now’s the time to take things back to the drawing board. If they’re not prepared to recommit to the most basic of boundaries, it’s time to cut your losses and move on.
Covering Your Tracks
If you want an affair to continue, you need to be able to lie well. If you’re worried that you want to be able to pull white lies out of the air at a moment’s notice, make life easier on yourself by covering your tracks. You should really be using a separate phone number to communicate with the person you’re cheating on. If possible, keep this phone out of the home or locked away where your spouse won’t find it. Nonetheless, delete all your correspondence as soon as you’ve read it. If you’re holding onto messages for longer than you need to, you need to ask yourself some serious questions about what’s saying about feelings for the other person.
Now and again, you will be backed into a corner and have to lie to cover your tracks. Having a bulletproof alibi in place is a staple of the cheater’s handbook. Planning an evening out with your affair partner? Keep your cover short and sweet. Don’t overbake it, however. Offering too much detail to your husband can seem suspicious. Likewise, don’t go overboard when filling your spouse in about how your fake evening with friends went.
If you have told a friend about your affair and you’re confident they’re not going to give the game away, you can think about asking them for an alibi. While this might seem convenient, it actually causes more problems than it solves. The two of you need to get your story straight and be able to tell the same lie if pushed for details.
You should also be destroying any physical evidence of your affair. This not only prevents your husband from catching wind of your infidelity but also buries all signs of the affair once it comes to an end. Have you been using a separate bank account to finance your adventures? Make sure there are no paper statements lurking around the house. Have you purchased new clothes or jewelry to wear to dates with your affair partner? If you haven’t explained their appearance to your husband, stash them away in the attic or think about ditching them to avoid any unwanted questions down the line.
Can Affairs Stay Secret Indefinitely?
Provided you’re getting what you need from an affair, it’s possible to keep the fires burning forever. However, if you don’t want to find yourself on the receiving end of some fiery questions from your spouse, you need to have prepared carefully.
Before kickstarting an affair, you need to establish boundaries. This means being realistic with yourself. Avoid partnering up with shared acquaintances or anyone too close to your everyday life. Once you’ve found someone to cheat with, you need to have a direct conversation with them about what you both want and expect from the relationship. Make sure you know how to get in touch with each other, when to make contact, and what kind of intimacy is allowed in public.
You’ll need to maintain discretion throughout the entirety of an affair. This means avoiding social media like the plague, destroying paper trails, and combating the urge to confess your actions to friends and family. Constantly covering your tracks is a little bit stressful, but it’s far less of a headache than being handed divorce papers if your husband uncovers what’s been going on.
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