My 8 Step System Of Fixing Your Approach Anxiety
Approach anxiety is actually a thing – it’s almost a phobia. That said, I never realised it had a term. The best definition I found online said:
Approach anxiety is an irrational fear which can stop you from engaging in conversation with strangers. It causes you to overthink and therefore, fear most interactions. The root of the issue can stem from inexperience, low self-esteem, past negative experiences, or the overall inability to turn off the racing thoughts in our head. While approach anxiety usually used in regards to relationships and dating world, it can be applied to a large majority of social circumstances as well.
And if this is something you have, then I promise you this is the article for you. We’ve helped tons of men get over this quite easily, and whilst it’s not something I have myself, I actually witnessed it firsthand just the other day. I got to see how crippling it was for someone so confident that I was shocked.
Just The Other Day
Just the other day, I was on a boy’s night out. I was with 6 good friends, some of them married, some single and a couple of them divorced. An eclectic bunch and whenever we’re together, it’s always a big night. Lots of booze, lots of laughter and a lot of chatting about women – typical guy stuff.
We’re sat at the back of this bar and a couple of tables away sat the most attractive lady. She can’t have been much more than 30 and looked Mediterranean. I was guessing Greek.
There wasn’t a guy in the place that hadn’t seen her. And as each of my friends shuffled in to reach our table, almost all of them said the same thing when they arrived:
‘did you see that girl? how hot is she!’
She sat with a group of people who didn’t really look like friends. I guessed given it was a Friday night, she was probably with her work bunch. It started off large, but as the night went on, their group dwindled until there were only 3 of them left. She was giggling away and would only stop to take her next shot!
One of my friends (single), kept looking at her. He would constantly turn around and just stare. It got to the point that he was making me feel uncomfortable. I couldn’t help myself, I had to say something:
‘bros, just go over there and talk to her. what’s the worst thing that can happen?’
Now this guy is successful, single, good looking, well built and stylish – he has everything going for him, but to my utter surprise he started to reel off the reasons he wouldn’t go over. He would say things like:
‘I’m scared, what if she laughs at me, she’ll just ignore me, her friends will laugh at me …..’
….and on and on he went. This wasn’t the time to start a coaching session.
I sounded like a parrot:
‘just get up and go over there.’
But he refused.
Will Smith – Hitch
There’s this great scene in the movie Hitch where Will Smith’s character walks over to a stunning lady in a crowded bar surrounded by men, and very artfully pulls her away from them and has her get interested in him. He made it look so easy. And that’s because if you know what you’re doing it really is.
My Turn / My Ego
There’s something about being with a group of guys that when you pull off something epic like that, it’s not just about getting a number or a kiss that’s amazing, it’s about doing it in front of them so you get to keep that legendary status.
Looking like a hero in front of the boys is one of the best feelings in the world. And just from sheer frustration at my friend, it was time to go and be a legend, to show him that even if I didn’t get anywhere, the worst thing that would happen was something I could live with.
And so I did it. I stood up and before I bowled over, I remember saying the cliché line:
‘watch and learn boys.’
Now I’ve never had approach anxiety. I’d been rejected so many times in my teens that I had just become immune to it. I’d learnt to never take it personally and realised anything short of her throwing a drink in my face, I could live with.
As I headed over, I could feel my friends watching me and burning a hole in my back. I almost sensed they wanted to see me crash and burn just for the fact that I gave my friend such a hard time for being a ‘pussy.’
What Happened Next?
As I walked over, our eyes met and I gave her a cheeky smile which she reciprocated by the time I got to her table. I introduced myself to all 3 of them and asked if they were celebrating or if this was just a standard Friday night. They said they were on a work do. I explained that I was on my way to the bar and noticed that they were having shots and if I could get them another round.
They politely declined. I couldn’t have been with them for more than a minute.
I headed over to the bar and bought myself 4 shots and came back with the tray. I never use chat up or cheesy lines. I generally just say what comes to mind, but I was 100% focused on getting her details. So I came back with the tray and said something like:
‘you’re all having such a good time, I just want to be a part of it for a minute’.
They were grateful for the shots and we slammed them together almost immediately. I then looked ‘my lady dead in the eye’ and said:
‘chances are I’ll never see you again and I’m not one for wasted opportunities.’
I handed her my phone and asked if she was on instagram. She smiled and said ‘of course‘. And I said:
‘just stick your details in there and follow yourself please.’
I then had her pull out her phone and accept my friend request.
I didn’t ask for permission, I didn’t ask if she wouldn’t mind giving me her details, I effectively told her just to give them to me. And before I wandered back to my table like an even bigger hero, with my chest puffed out, I told them to come and join us for some more drinks whenever they were free….
Legendary status complete
My friends saw it all and as I headed back the sounds of shouting and banging the table filled the bar. I sat down to an array of compliments and pats on the back. I simply looked at my friend (the one who didn’t go over) and said :
‘and that’s how it’s done son’.
Not long after, they came and joined us for drinks, and her and I chatted for at least an hour. During which time of course I managed to get her number. When she asked if I was marred, I stupidly said no, I said I was single but I’ll get to that later.
Stumbled Home
The night ended at 3am and I was on Cloud Nine. Not because I had gotten an attractive lady’s number. No. But because I had done it with ease, class and speed in front of my friends.
Of course, the next day was hell.
The hangover had kicked in and I was feeling sorry for myself. My wife had no sympathy as it was all self inflicted and I found myself almost forced to get back to my kids’ activities and homework, which I dutifully did.
To my surprise, typically I spend the next day thinking about the lady whose details I’d scored. But not this time.
This time, I started to really understand and appreciate the crippling effects approach anxiety had on someone. And whilst I’ve helped loads of guys get over it, witnessing it first hand made me understand just how many amazing women that men were missing out on simply because they just didn’t take that first step (literally and metaphorically).
When I had a moment, I called my friend and decided to have the chat. I asked him why he didn’t go over and he made a valid point:
‘If I was in a group and she was there, I’d have been just fine. I’d have shone and flirted and would have probably got her details, but that fear of rejection…’
And he couldn’t finish his sentence, but it all made sense.
Fear Of Rejection
There’s something about rejection that is just so awful. It’s almost impossible to not take it personally and for many people, can bring up some awful memories and feelings.
As kids not getting to play with certain people, not being invited to a party, not being picked for the right team – it leaves painful scares and a lot of people hate that feeling so much that it impedes them trying new things. It stops them from taking risks and chances, because to hear the word NO can be so destructive.
Believe you me, I’ve been there. I’ve been rejected by women, friends, teams, clubs, jobs, breakups, you name it – I’ve had it all. And each of those times I took it personally, I would think to myself I wasn’t smart enough, cool enough, handsome enough, etc…
It’s almost impossible not to go inside and have your ego shattered and your self worth devalued. I get it!
And yet I got over it, how come others couldn’t?
How To Overcome Approach Anxiety…
If you’ve ever read any of my articles on this site, the one thing you’ll learn about one of my pet hates is that I hate generic advice.
Before even writing this piece I bounced around google to see what advice men offered. In part to find something helpful and non generic that I could send to my friend. And all I could find was utter shit. The internet was filled with just theory and methods that in real life would simply never work.
What’s never ever going to work is tactics and magic chat up lines, or even copying what I said to that lady when I met her. No. And why? It’s because to think that all women are the same way, or all of them respond the same way is just foolish!
Overcoming any anxiety comes from a place of working on yourself. Whether it’s with a coach or through meditation or whatever, the answer lies in how you respond to dealing with rejection.
It’s almost like interrupting the Pavlov’s Dog Theory. So your default reaction isn’t to go inside and feel bad, feel sorry for yourself and devalue yourself. God no. It’s about breaking that habit.
I’m never going to deny that walking over to any woman is hard. But then again so is cold calling, knocking on people’s doors, sales etc.. All of these things require you to have a certain degree of thick skin.
So how do you go about getting over approach aniexty?
- Meditation – I’ve noticed that meditation has greatly improved my life. It’s not just been a calming effect. What I noticed, is that one of the most profound effects was that other people’s opinions of me didn’t matter. In the martial arts world, they teach you about being grounded and centred. They teach you that your emotional brain is in your stomach. So when you have extreme responses, you always feel them in your tummy. So start meditating. And I don’t care whether or not this will help you get more women, meditating will improve all aspects of your life and will attract more of what you’re looking for to you.
- Feel good – Don’t get it twisted, whether you’ve sold anything in your life or not, when you’re flirting you’re selling yourself. And the simple trick to selling anything, be it a product or a service or even yourself is simply this: illicit a good feeling in your prospect and associate that to yourself or your product/service. And how do you go about doing that? Well it’s about feeling good first. Have you ever been round a group of people or spoken to someone that’s having a good time or laughing away. It’s practically contagious. Here’s a little trick for you; the brain doesn’t know the difference between what’s real and what’s imagined. So if you were to vividly remember what’s it’s like to be on the front of a rollercoaster as it whizzes around the track, your smartwatch would clearly show you that your heart beats would go up. Don’t believe me, try it! And the same is true about feeling good, if you’re not in the best frame of mind, remember a good memory. Stop and remember what it was like, what you heard, saw and felt and just allow that same good feeling to come back. Only when you are in a state of feeling good is it time to make your approach. Every rejection from a woman I ever had, the one thing in common was that I was being mechanical, going through the motions but I wasn’t in the right state. Never underestimate how contagious feeling good is.
- Posture / confidence – there are so many studies that have linked good posture to confidence. Always work on your posture. If you have a desk job or are on your phone a lot, the chances are your posture will have taken a bit of a hit. And when you think about all the people who you know in your life that lack confidence, you’ll notice that their posture isn’t great. Good posture makes you feel better, standing taller makes you feel more confident. And to a lot of women, being confident is a turn on. And if you’re reading this and thinking well I’m a shy person – then my response to that is this: be confident about being shy! Always play to your strengths, don’t change your personality to impress someone. So if you’re shy, stand tall and be shy confidently. There’s nothing wrong with shyness, just be the best at it.
- Deal With Rejection Better / Don’t take it personally – I’m the first to admit, that even though I see multiple women, many of whom are so far out my league it’s laughable – when those relationships comes to an end, it breaks me. Not for long, but it’s difficult to not take it personally. However when it comes to approaching women at say a bar cold, and you bowl over there feeling good, with the right attitude and posture, and they say no! It’s ok. It’s not personal. They may be busy, dealing with something themselves, be in a relationship, having a bad day at work, etc.. There’s a gazillion reasons why a woman may say no. All gazillion of those reasons may have nothing to do with you at all. It’s just bad timing. But as long as you’re polite and charming, you’re rarely going to get a rude response. All you’ll get is a no. And that’s ok, because you’ll live. You’ve heard plenty of NOs in your life. I’m sure even Brad Pitt has gotten some NO’s. Apparently Leo DiCaprio did hundreds of auditions before he got his first job. But if you’re the type of person that’s scared to hear that word, then you definitely don’t deserve to get the girl’s number. Which brings me swiftly on to my next point:
- Dating Is A Numbers Game – Even if you have got it down, it doesn’t mean you’re going to have a 100% success rate. In fact in the dating world, I’ve told all of my clients that if you get to 50/50 you’re in the top 1%. Because that’s a pretty good batting average to have in this game. The fact is dating like sales is a contact sport, meaning the more people you contact, the better your chances.
- Perceptive – I’ve always been super perceptive. Even as a kid I would see things that most people didn’t. But when it comes to women, I noticed that like all communication, being observant really paid dividends. And as much as I hate teaching chat up lines or treating all women like they’re the same (cos they’re not, we are all unique), using the phrase, ‘I noticed ….’ worked wonders. Just those 2 words would let them know that I paid attention and they generally felt very flattered. Like in my above story, I made a point of saying ‘I noticed you guys are doing shots, blah blah blah‘…All it said to her was I was paying attention. And whilst I didn’t say anything, I did notice her watch and handbag brand. I did notice she wore her watch on her right hand and took her shots with her left (indicating to me she was a leftie). I noticed it all…. Paying attention pays dividends and you can take that to the bank!
- Take Action – Staring gets you nowhere – You have to just take a leap of faith but if you do all of the above, I promise you, it doesn’t matter how it goes, you’ll feel good no matter what. This blog post isn’t about picking up more women, no! It’s about getting over any internal issues you have so you’re indifferent either way. I get numbers from women all the time, I put myself out there, that’s why. But I also get a heap of rejections. And whilst the yes’s make me even happier, the no’s do too. As strange as that sounds it’s true.
- Get Help – Don’t think for a second because you’re born or programmed to respond a certain way, it has to be like that forever. If you’re unable to make those internal changes yourself, get some help. Whether it’s from me, or a therapist, or a confidence coach or a meditation class – get the right help to push you in the right direction. Asking for help doesn’t make you weak, it makes you smart and strong! I’m constantly evolving. Each day that goes by, I upgrade myself and improve myself. I’m always learning. And you should too!
So How Did It Go With The Girl
Well, we chatted for a few days back and forth, but very quickly, just from my Instagram account she realised I was married. And she shut it down. I’ve convinced plenty of women to cheat with me, but I made a cardinal error by not saying I was married from the get go. And in her eyes, I was both a liar and an adulterer. Two traits she didn’t want to see in a guy. And that’s ok, because I’m out again next week and I’ll undoubtedly get another number.
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