What is a Hall Pass in a Relationship?
A monogamous relationship isn’t for everyone. Around 20% of Americans report being unhappy in their romantic relationship. What’s more, a significant number of people have actually pursued sex outside of their primary relationship. It’s estimated as many as 74% of men have had a one night stand. Women are almost as bad, with around 68% admitting to playing around with someone else at least once.
What is a Hall Pass in a Relationship?
Most of the time, these extramarital encounters are one-offs and the guilty party returns to their relationship with their other half none the wiser. However, the occasional indiscretion can quickly lead to a second or third case of cheating. Eventually, this behavior becomes the standard and one or both partners can end up running affairs on the side. Some guys and girls might enjoy the thrill of cheating on their partner, but maintaining an affair is a lot of work. A good cheater needs to be a great liar. Furthermore, maintaining a side piece can prove expensive.
Many people live with the worry that their partner will cheat on them. Their other half may never have strayed, nor give them any indication they’re thinking of playing away. Nonetheless, the worry remains. Sometimes, couples may discuss the concept of a hall pass. It’s essentially a free pass, allowing one or both partners to engage in sex with someone outside of their primary relationship. It’s often discussed half-heartedly, with no genuine expectation that a one-off affair will happen in real life.
Hall Passes Explained
A hall pass is essentially a get of jail free card. It involves one partner giving the other a green light to cheat on a one time basis. The term has been around for many years but was popularized in this context by the 2011 comedy film starring Owen Wilson and Jason Sudeikis.
As previously mentioned, hall passes are typically discussed casually. Couples may discuss celebrity crushes or dream lays. In almost every case, the object of desire isn’t an achievable goal. This makes the idea of a hall pass a novelty.
However, couples who are comfortable with non monogamy may also be open to the idea of hall passes. Sometimes, relationships get stuck in a rut and sex lives can stagnate. Allowing your partner to indulge their desires elsewhere is a surefire way of keeping them from playing away more regularly. What’s more, with proper communication and a strong relationship dynamic, it can prove a healthy outlet for people who want to have sex with other people but aren’t looking to leave their spouses.
Is the Hall Pass Concept the Same as an Open Relationship?
Open relationships are becoming more common. In fact, it’s thought as many as 5% of straight couples are currently engaged in an open relationship. While hall pass agreements share some DNA with open relationships, the two arrangements are not the same thing.
An open relationship allows partners to spend time with other people, not just indulge in no-strings sex. Both parties have to be incredibly secure to pursue an open relationship. A hall pass is different. If it’s only sex that’s on the table, there’s little worry of a partner falling head over heels for someone else and abandoning a marriage or years-long relationship.
Key Differences
Open relationships also require both partners to agree to a long list of conditions. For starters, certain sexual activities may be off the table entirely. Limits also need to be placed on emotional connections. Meeting someone regularly for sex might be fine, but scheduling date nights and trips away may be a big no-no. Some partners may also request detailed updates about who their other half is seeing, where they’re meeting, and what they’ve been up to. Some people are comfortable enough being upfront about all of this. However, in many cases, having these discussions can be grueling and cause trouble at home.
Typically, hall pass arrangements come with none of this baggage. Partner A will agree that Partner B can engage with no-strings sex with someone else with no questions asked. It’s almost always a one-and-done situation.
Should You Agree to a Hall Pass?
For a hall pass to work, both partners need to be granted one. It simply doesn’t make sense for one person to get a free pass at the expense of the other. If you’re both happy with a mutual hall pass agreement, you’re good to go.
However, before you jump straight in, ask yourself why you’re actually looking for a one-time excuse to have sex with someone else. Are you unhappy with your current relationship? If your sex life is getting a little stale, why not focus on spicing things up in the bedroom instead? Exploring roleplay or embracing a little kink might be a better option than fooling around outside of your main relationship.
Alternative Options to Hall Passes
Is the thrill of sleeping with someone else you’re after? Some people find themselves eager to broaden their horizons, especially if they’ve been locked into a relationship for many years. Others may have entered into a long-term relationship without notching up too many sexual partners. Over the years, this can lead to people thinking that they’ve missed out on something.
A mutually beneficial hall pass may provide you with a chance to explore sexual experiences with new people, but you might not get the results you’re after. You need to be confident enough to approach a new sexual partner, not to mention impress in the bedroom. A disappointing casual encounter won’t satiate those sexual urges. In a worst-case scenario, you may find yourself walking away with a heap of emotional baggage.
It’s very unlikely that the idea of a hall pass is going to come up naturally in conversation. In almost every scenario, one person is going to introduce the subject first. After much discussion, might both come around to the idea, but it’s never going to be a completely balanced affair. Discussing the idea alone is enough to stir up jealousy and insecurities. If you’re finding it hard to talk about the idea, there’s no way you’re going to handle the reality of your other half having sex with somebody else.
During the course of your preliminary discussions, you and your partner may realize that you’re both simply looking to experiment sexually. You don’t necessarily have to do this independently.
Maybe you’d better off introducing a third party into your sexual antics. If you do want to experiment with additional partners, make sure you’re not drafting in a third party from your social circle. Swinging groups are a good place to seek out no-strings sex partners. Alternatively, you may want to explore voyeurism. If you’ve got a webcam and reliable broadband connection, live streaming a steamy session might be sufficient to stifle those sexual urges.
Setting Ground Rules
If you do decide that a hall pass is right for you, you’ll need to lay down the law way in advance. It might seem like it’s taking the fun out of things, but without these ground rules in place, you can almost guarantee disagreements down the line.
Be Completely Honest About Your Expectations
This is important. When you first start discussing a hall pass agreement, make sure you’re letting your partner know what you’re aiming to get out of the arrangement. Obviously, sex is the main objective, but you’ll want to be clear about what you’re seeking out that you’re not going from your primary relationship. Don’t use this as an opportunity to deliver a comprehensive list of your partner’s faults and shortcomings. Instead, dress it up with a more positive spin. If you’re coming up against any resistance, use this as a chance to illustrate the benefits of a hall pass to your partner.
Set a Time Limit
If you’re a little unsure about abandoning the framework of a monogamous relationship, placing a time limit on hall passes is a good idea. You could suggest putting a time limit of six months on the agreement. If neither party has cashed in on their hall pass by then, the agreement expires and it’s back to monogamy from that point on.
At this point, you can come back together and discuss the idea again. If both of you have made good on your agreement, you can of course talk about extending the agreement. Even if your dalliances aren’t distracting from your primary relationship, it’s always to renew the hall pass agreement. If extramarital sex is always up for grabs, you’re entering open relationship territory and the potential for damaging infidelity is high.
Is Anyone Fair Game?
If you think that your partner has their eye on someone in particular, granting them a hall pass is never a good idea. You’re pretty much giving them the green light to chase a sexual encounter with a long-standing crush. They get what they want and you end up feeling hurt and betrayed. Even if you don’t suspect that your other half has someone in mind, it’s worth ironing out some ground rules about who can be approached.
As a rule, anyone from their social circle is prohibited. Some people may be comfortable with their partner seeking sex with a casual acquaintance, but just make sure it’s not a mutual one. Even if they pursue sex on a one off basis, the encounter could come up again in conversation, bringing old wounds to the surface.
You may also want to lay out some rules regarding age. A couple in their forties may use a hall pass to pursue sex with younger people. However, if one partner secures a hookup with a much younger person, it can lead to feelings of insecurity in their other half. To make life easier, outline a cutoff point that states your wife or husband isn’t allowed to pursue sex with anyone under a certain age.
Furthermore, consider the limits of experimentation when giving the okay to a hall pass. Some partners may use a hall pass to explore the limits of their sexuality. If you’re fine with the idea of your spouse exploring same-sex experiences, this is okay. However, if there’s any doubt in your mind that such exploration will lead to complications, don’t be afraid to be rigid when it comes to laying down rules.
Be Responsible
If you’re having intimate encounters with anyone other than your spouse, safe sex is a must. Sexually transmitted infections are no laughing matter. You might both have agreed to a hall pass, but passing on a long-lasting venereal disease is really going to sour the experience.
If you haven’t been sexually intimate with anyone other than your spouse for some time, you might not have much of a clue about STI risk. Do your research to see what kind of diseases you need to be looking out for and how best to protect against them. Sometimes, simply having the male partner wear a condom isn’t going to be sufficient.
Even if you’ve practiced safe sex, it makes sense to get screened for STIs after the fact. Make sure both you and your spouse do this after you’ve made good on your hall pass arrangement. You can attend the clinic at the same time in the spirit of openness or schedule your own appointment.
Debriefing and Renegotiation
Not every couple who agrees to a hall pass will want to come together and discuss how things went. It can make for awkward conversation but ultimately, you’ll do yourself a favor in the long run.
If you take a vow of silence, doubts and uncertainties can fester. Your partner may wonder how they measure up to the person you had sex with. Minor issues at home can plant further seeds of doubt. Perhaps you refuse sex one night because of a headache. In their mind, you’re refusing sex because they fall way short of what you experienced outside of the marital bed.
Sitting down and discussing how things went can prove cathartic for both parties. You don’t need to give a blow-by-blow account, but it’s worth not skimping on the details. Some couples may find talking about what they experienced sexually titillating. In fact, it may lead to you decide that you’d like to extend the agreement with a renewed hall pass.
If you do decide to take things further, reassess the rule book. Maybe this time it’s okay for you and your partner to pursue multiple encounters. Perhaps now you can indulge in other sex acts with your hall pass partners. You may even decide that the hall pass concept is too limiting. If an open relationship seems like a better fit, consider giving this a trial run.
Is it Time for a Hall Pass Agreement?
A lot of people find themselves fantasizing about having sex with other people at some point. Many of us never act on these fantasies, but the urge still remains. A hall pass is a practical way for people to explore their sexual desires, without causing too much damage to their main situation. Provided you’re upfront with your partner and entering into a mutual agreement, it’s a low-impact way of playing the field, without causing any strife at home.
However, hall passes shouldn’t be taken lightly. You’re still going to be having sex with someone who isn’t your spouse. Take the time to talk everything out well in advance. Set limits and lay down ground rules. Once you’ve done the deed, make sure you’re discussing how it all went down with your other half. If things went well, you may be in a position to continue the experiment further. If it didn’t, maybe non monogamy isn’t right for you and you should embrace the perks of a committed romantic relationship instead.
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